Wednesday, May 22, 2024

Arsenal Gentleman’s squad profiles

This week, instead of a weekly review, the @ArsenalGent brings you his squad profiles (1-20).


Squad Number: 1
Name: Sir Albert SESLEY
Position: Glove Butler
Nickname: ‘The Cold Catcher’
Origin: Norfolk, England
Special Move: ‘The Bunny’s Nose’ – As this is what one’s fundament behaves like when you see him galloping toward the edge of his box to tackle an onrushing defender


Squad Number: 3
Name: Bertram SAILOR
Position: Starboard corporal
Nickname: Bertie
Origin: Gloucester, England
Special Move: ‘The Gloucester Gallop’ – A fine sight as he belts his way up the pitch


Squad Number: 4
Name: Lord Peregrine MEATLOCKER
Position: Starboard Sentinel
Nickname: Meat
Origin: Upminster, London, England
Special Move: ‘The Clunge’, a casual standing tackle employed to easily rid Tottenham’s expensive forwards of the ball during the North London Derby.


Squad Number: 5
Position: Portside Sentinel
Nickname: ‘My Lord’
Origin: Holloway, London, England
Special Move: ‘The Mind Meld’ – A terrifying piece of mind control, often directed at opponents from the bench, which allows him to enter the mind of opponents


Squad Number: 6
Name: Laurence COSTERLEY
Position: Utility Sentinel
Nickname: ‘Dear Larry’
Origin: London, England
Special Move: ‘The Costermonger’, a glorious, precision slider that often results in getting shown the mustard.


Squad Number: 7
Name: Thomas ROBINSON
Position: Forward battery commander
Nickname: ‘The Cad’
Origin: England
Special Move: ‘The Plimsoll Turn’ – A delicate twist which resembles a nimble schoolboy rotating on a specially dusted gymnasium floor


Squad Number: 8
Name: Michael ARKWRIGHT
Position: Ordnance Wizard
Nickname: ‘The Knife’
Origin: London, England
Special Move: ‘Bess’, an 80 yard  pass to feet


Squad Number: 9
Name: Lucien PONSONBY
Position: Battery Sergeant
Nickname: ‘The Demented Bishop’
Origin: Bristol, England
Special Move: ‘The Bristol Express’, a 35 yard screamer


Squad Number: 10
Name: Jacques WILSHÈRE
Position: Distributional Wing-Commander
Nickname: Le Rosbif
Origin: Paris, France
Special Move: ‘The Arc de Triomphe’ – A looping, elegant overhead 50 yard pass


Squad Number: 11
Name: Melvin ORWELL
Position: Ten of Tens (So good at Number 10 they turned him up to 11)
Nickname: The Wandsworth Wizard – AKA ‘The Hydra’
Origin: Putney, London, England
Special Move: The Mesmertron’, a hypnotic through ball


Squad Number: 12
Name: Brigadier Oliver GORING-HILDRED
Position: Human Prong
Nickname: ‘The Ram’
Origin: Cambridge, England
Special Move: ‘Achilles’ Torment’, a flick of the heel that baffles expensive goalkeepers from Middlesex.


Squad Number: 13
Name: Vivian LANE
Position: Number 3 Glove Butler
Nickname: ‘The Colney Cad’
Origin: London Colney, Hertfordshire
Special Move: ‘The Hat Raise’ – used when he espies a particularly attractive lady in the crowd whilst sitting in the family pew.


Squad Number: 14
Name: Theodore WALCOUÉ
Position: Starboard Puppy
Nickname: Fenton
Origin: London, England
Special Move: ‘The Alley Baffler’ – A mazy run that does not often end with anything more productive than his hands on his hips.


Squad Number: 15
Position: Midfield Swiss Army Knife
Nickname: The Tin Opener
Origin:  London, England
Special Move: ‘The Piccadilly Doubleback’ – A graceful, tricksy turn that employs the use of both feet, his left knee, his right buttock, a large gin and tonic and an eight pound magnet.


Squad Number: 16
Name: Abdoulaye RAMSARA
Position: Advanced Probe
Nickname: ‘The Senegal Sir’
Origin: Dakar, Senegal
Special Move: ‘The Launch’ – A pass that now thankfully after some years actually reaches its intended recipient.


Squad Number: 17
Position: Portside Sentinel
Nickname: ‘Devon’s Delight’
Origin: Torquay, England
Special Move: ‘The Torquay Tumbler’ – A precise tackle, whilst not exactly from behind, certainly from a south-by-south-westerly direction.


Squad Number: 19
Name: St John COUSINS
Position: Final 3rd Octopus
Nickname: Hand Feet
Origin: Finsbury Park, London, England.
Special Move: ‘The How Do You Do’ – An inexplicable optical illusion in which he seems to split into three separate beings who all play a decisive ball at the same time, making defenders weep with bafflement.


Squad Number: 20
Name: Michael FLAME
Position: Multifarious Defensive Destructor
Nickname: ‘The Enforcer’
Origin: Berkshire, England
Special Move: ‘The Tibia Troubler’ – An hilarious and robust tackle which induces in its recipient an immediate and pressing concern for the integrity of their lower limbs.
Catchphrase: “Don’t touch my parrot” – originated when playing abroad. He has a parrot called Peter which he takes everywhere with him, including onto the pitch. Do not ever touch his parrot.


Squad Number: 21
Position: Glove Butler
Nickname: Nettle Nerves
Origin: Yorkshire, England.
Special Move: ‘The Pinball Punch’ – Because who knows where it’ll end up, and is often followed by the percussive noises of our defence as they clatter into each other whilst attempting to clear the ball.


Squad Number: 20
Name: Joseph SANGLEY
Position: Designated Striver
Nickname: The Bromley Beanpole
Origin: Kent, England.
Special Move: ‘The Plate Spin’ – Nobody knows what this is or when it’ll happen, but he insists it works

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