International breaks are always rather light on actual news. Given the paucity of Arsenal stories, I’ve decided to do what the professional journalists do in this scenario. I’m going to make everything up. New press regulations compel you to find the below hilarious and preclude you from disagreeing with anything I say. (Yes, I do read The Daily Mash and yes, I do have every episode of Brass Eye and The Day Today on DVD).
VENKY’S SACK YOU!
Blackburn Rovers’ crackpot owners The Venky’s have sacked you as Blackburn’s manager it has emerged. The shock news comes after you spent the last half an hour sat at your desk, looking idly at the internet and wondering what the thundering fuck you’re doing frittering away 40 hours of your week in a place that resembles a human farm. But just as you tried with the last ounce of your being to resist the urge to visit the staff toilets and toss yourself off into a frenzy, The Venky’s have served you with your P45 and a fat fucking payoff.
Your dismissal comes before you were even appointed to the job and shortly after the ill-fated, 34 second reign of Lord Genitals III, that tramp that sings “No, Nay, Never” incomprehensibly at you from a park bench. You have become the 426th manager Blackburn have sacked this week, but your stock remains a good deal higher than Steve Kean’s. Lord Genitals III meanwhile, has applied for the vacant manager’s post at Nottingham Forest. There’s a cracking chance he’s going to get it too. His unconventional team talks, featuring fire and piss, have piqued the interest of Forest’s owners.
Rovers’ Global Advisor / Court Jester Shebby Singh called a press conference to announce your sacking this afternoon. Dressed as Zippy from Rainbow he told the gathered press, “Pissflaps!” Mark Hughes is the favourite to cartwheel his way into the Lancashire clown college.
NEWSPAPER APOLOGISES FOR “YO MAMA SO FAT” STORIES
A top right wing bumrag has been forced to apologise this week, after running a raft of unsubstantiated reports regarding the rotundness of yo mama. One of those irritating papers that believes its brand of sensationalism is somehow better because it uses words of more than one syllable ran a series of exclusive pieces last weekend.
Allegations made against your beloved mother included that she was “so fat I had to roll over twice after sex” and that “ya mama’s got a peg leg with a kick stand.” However, the stories began to arouse suspicion days later when your mother was spotted pottering around Homebase looking lovely.
Once an investigation into the reports exposed them as a load of pish and twaddle, repentant journalist Jasper Smythe Smythe Smythe Smuggington was forced into a humiliating climb-down. “I was duped by an anonymous source. Really I ought to have clocked that that stuff about her having an afro with a chinstrap was straight up hogwash.”
“On reflection, I’d definitely give her one,” he continued.
‘I’M GOING TO RUIN YOUR PATHTETIC LITTLE LIVES’ SAYS OWEN
Ex-footballer Michael Owen has revealed the principal motivation behind his decision to come out of retirement to announce his retirement this week. “I’m going to grind your sense of self-worth into powdery dust in my cold, dead palms,” he explained. Owen is expected to begin a programme of nationwide labotomisation by increasing his dangerously inane appearances on the Match of the Day sofa.
Experts warn that the platitude prattling partnership with Alan Shearer on the BBC’s flagship football programme could drive viewers to, “Punch themselves repeatedly in the groin. More so.” Televisionologist Slick Rick Dizzle added, “Seriously, even Colin Murray’s smug, pseudo bloke impression will look considerably less stabbable by comparison.”
Owen told the latest edition of ‘Superlabkebab’ magazine, “By the time I have finished with your Saturday night, you’ll be praying for a Robbie Savage and Chris Kamara naked cabaret whilst necking bottles of Morrisons own brand bleach. Fuckers.”
NEWCASTLE “WHINGING LIKE A RIGHT BUNCH OF PUFFS” SAYS WHELAN
Wigan owner Dave Whelan has reacted to rumours that Newcastle are considering legal action against Callum Mcmanaman following his horror tackle on Massadio Haidara by accusing the Northeast club of “wibbling on like a proper bunch of piss yer pants girlies.”
Whelan broke off from his favourite pastime of ferret punching to tell the press, “Honestly, if I wanted to be witness a hissy fit, followed by a series of idle, oestrogen driven threats, I’d get myself ‘ooome to ‘er indoors, eh? Eh?”
When asked by a reporter whether any internal disciplinary action was planned for Mcmanaman, Whelan replied, “Are you coming onto me?”
RIO: “SOZ ROY, BUT I GOT BIEBER TICKETS.”
Manchester United defender and MENSA member Rio Ferdinand has explained his decision to omit himself for the latest England squad. “Ah nah, I got tickets for Justin Bieber that night innit. I swear daan I’m proper vexed.”
Ferdinand explained his decision with a heavy heart, “I tried to hit Roy up with a facebook message, but then I remember that I deleted him as a friend cos he cussed my bruva daan. Then I fawt abaat tweeting him, then I remembered that Roy still lives in Victorian England with rosy cheeked maidens and shit.”
Hodgson seemed somewhat unperturbed about the mix up, “An evening spent watching a jumped up little fuckknuckle publicly collapse on a big stage should replace the England national team experience quite nicely.”
ODEMWINGIE TELLS ALBION, “SUCK MY BALLS!”
Increasingly deranged Baggies striker Peter Odemwingie has ramped up his attempts to become the most irritating twerp in the whole world. Following his transfer deadline day indiscretion and various twitter meltdowns, the wantaway Nigerian forward has been concocting new and annoying ways of ensuring that he gets ALL of the attention.
Albion already held firm after Odemwingie threatened to hold his breath in training until he passed out. They also chose to “just ignore him” again last week when he drank Steve Clarke’s last can of irn-bru. Things came to a head this Monday when Odemwingie turned up at training completely naked with his genitals covered in peanut butter, repeatedly shouting, “Poppa me and I’ll poppa you,” at Baggies chairman Jeremy Peace.
Odemwingie was nonplussed at Peace’s response of, “Quiet you.” So he took to twitter to digitally scrawl his latest act of defiance, tweeting, “@WBAFCofficial: Suck my balls.” New Forest manager Lord Genitals III is thought to be interested in taking Odemwingie on a loan deal. LD
Feel free to tell me how unfunny you found all of that as if I somehow owe you something on Twitter @LittleDutchVA