What is there? I don’t mean in general, for if one were to ponder that question, you might drive yourself mad.
Where did we come from? What are we doing here? How do we, as an infinitesimal speck in the wider universe have any great consequence to anything? I simply don’t have the answers to those questions. Not yet anyway. Not until the release of my upcoming book ‘The answers to all the really difficult questions nobody can answer – except me’ which will be released at an unspecified time in the future (in hardback and on Kindle!).
Questions about other matters I can answer though. For example, if the answer is ‘John O’Shea’ the question is ‘Why has nobody from Arsenal made Arsene take a CAT scan so we can see the extent of the tumour?’ I sincerely hope that’s a question that is never answered.
Questions about the futures of our players though I can answer. Last night I was on the phone to my impeccable club source insider and got lots of juicy info. Normally I’d be quite circumspect, prefering to keep it to myself. Or releasing into the public domain via the many fake Twitter accounts I have. ‘Gooner_in_da_know’, ‘Football_agent_69’ and ‘Arshavins_muffin_top’ just some of the names I’ve used.
This time, forget that. The impeccable club source insider told me that things are in such mayhem around the club that nobody will even care if I went full public on it. So here is a player by player analysis of what I’ve been told and it doesn’t make for pretty reading.
Manuel Almunia – has told friends that he’s on the verge of signing a new deal with the club, for lower wages. He’s acutely aware things haven’t gone his way but also realises the emergence of SZCZ means he’ll be unlikely to play much. He’s happy to be third choice keeper and there is talk he might get involved with Gerry Peyton on the coaching side of things.
Carlos Vela – last month his agent said he was staying at Arsenal and he’s been told by Arsene Wenger that he’s very much in his plans for the new season. As left back! The boss believes that his inability to express his obvious talent as a forward means he’s simply being played in the wrong position. Arsene believes he can do with Vela what he did with Ashley Cole who started life as a striker. When Clichy goes to Man City expect to see Vela get the chance to stake his claim in the pre-season games in Asia
Nasri – spent most of the summer hanging around the French Riviera with Patrice Evra and YaYa Toure. They drink non-alcoholic margaritas together (Nasri is allergic to alcohol, it makes him come out in boils below his waist), sing songs about winning trophies and such is Nasri’s jealousy that’ll he’ll join either team in a heartbeat. He’s only sounded out the big Italian clubs and won’t even rule out Celtic because chances of medals are so high.
Robin van Persie – reports today say he’ll hand in a transfer request if Arsenal do not replace departing players with ones of equal quality. He’s so fearful that this will happen that he’s already prepared something. You might think from his on-pitch behaviour he’s a man who likes a good scrap but off it he hates conflict, and the idea of telling Arsene, who he greatly respects, that he wants to leave is troubling him. So he has had his father, who is an artist, create a sculpture from his old socks and plaster casts which signifies his desire to leave the club. If Arsene doesn’t spend he’ll wake up one morning with this on his front lawn.
Alex Song – in between cage fighting with Samuel Eto’o, Song has instructed his agents to ‘look around’ for a new club as he’s concerned that Arsenal will sell Denilson. With the Brazilian around Song seems dynamic and energetic. If he goes he’s afraid he might look bad. Potential destinations include: Bayern Munich, newly rich PSG and Aston Villa where Richard Dunne will make him look like Billy Whizz.
Bacary Sagna – Will leave unless Arsene or Boro Primorac personally punch Squillaci in the face. I understand that Boro called around to Squillaci’s last weekend to delivery a sound thrashing but rather cleverly the Frenchman avoided the situation like he avoids a tackle. Ongoing.
Laurent Koscielny – has apparently told friends he’s ‘home sick’ and feels that he’s being picked on by English referees. He was sent off twice last season and feels let down that the officials at the Carling Cup final did nothing to protect him from Barry Ferguson’s savage ruffling. Could be used as part of the Gervinho deal as Lille are in desperate need of a central defender who looks like an early drawing of Bart Simpson.
As for players coming in, it’s all terribly complicated. Gervinho should have been done ages ago. Arsenal thought they’d agreed a fee of €10m with Lille but then Lille said they wanted €11m and the two clubs are still working on a compromise deal.
Arsenal: Ten million, one hundred and fifteen thousand, six hundred and fifty five euro and eighty-six cent.
Lille: Ten million, eight hundred and seventy-two thousand, one hundred and ninety euro and five cent.
Arsenal: Ten million, one hundred and fifteen thousand, six hundred and fifty six euro and eighty-six cent.
A deal is expected to be done in early January. Ricky Alvarez is complicated by the fact that he’s part owned by Velez Sarsfield, a Colombian drug lord and EMI records. It is negotiations with the latter than are proving most complex as Arsenal will not agree to crippling the player with DRM so nobody can ever download him in games like FIFA or Football Manager.
Gary Cahill remains a target but the club are concerned that he’s spent too much time with Kevin Davies. Just a few months on loan was enough to shape Jack Wilshere but over-exposure could lead to an outbreak of elbowyness at the training ground and that’s something they’re keen to avoid. And finally, there is genuine interest in Valencia’s Juan Mata but we’re trying to sign him using the force, and so far he hasn’t responded to our plaintive cries like when Luke was hanging off the aerial when he droppped down that giant chute thing after Darth Vader had cut his hand off.
Yes. Every last word. And you can print it too.
