Thursday, May 30, 2024

John Wick, Arsenal goalkeeper

Morning all.

It remains extremely quiet on the Arsenal front. I went to see John Wick 4 last night in the cinema, and it’s basically 3 hours of John Wick beating the ever-loving shit out of/killing the bollix off people, and somehow not being shot despite a proliferation of automatic weapons in the hands of every enemy he encounters.

It struck me that if he were to turn his hand to football, John Wick would have been a great option for goalkeeper in the Arsenal team Unai Emery managed. Wave after wave of attack, you stop one then another one comes, then another, and another, and there is only one man who can save you. Yourself. Then one of your central defenders just stops running and when the opposition score he jumps up and down and blames you. No wonder the dude is traumatised.

I don’t think he’d have lasted long in the job, what with his specialty being the brutal murder of anyone who comes close to him, but then it would have made for some entertaining television.

Gary Neville: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh. To be honest though, I still can’t see why Arsenal bought him. Sure, he’s made 26 saves in this game alone, but David de Gea has a much wispier beard and as someone whose facial hair looks like I took a few strands from an otter’s arse and stuck them to my face, that’s what I connect with.

Martin Tyler: And he’s not ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Graeme Souness: The game’s gone soft. He only took out three men in four seconds there. Back in my day we’d have two-footed eight of them in the same time.

Roy Keane: Sure, he’s absolutely brutalised him there, but this all started years ago when they killed his puppy. Now you can see he’s thinking, “I’ve waited long enough. I f*cking hit him hard. And don’t ever stand over me sneering about my dead puppy.”

Tim Sherwood: I think that might be a foul. I can’t really tell from this angle. Here’s the replay. Yeah, he has snapped his neck like a twig but I think the lad’s making the most of it.

Dave Jones, Sky presenter: We apologise if you witnessed anyone being blasted with a shotgun that also sets them on fire before they are mowed down by a fast-moving car. Repeatedly.

John Wick 4, Watford 7. Thank you, Unai.

In Interlull news, Jakub Kiwior played the full game as Poland were beaten 3-1 by the Czech Republic, while Leandro Trossard played an hour of Belgium’s 3-0 win over Sweden. Today, Martin Odegaard’s Norway take on Spain; Scotland are in action against Cyprus so Kieran Tierney could feature there; Switzerland and Granit Xhaka are away in Belarus; and as far as I can tell that’s all we have to worry about today.

It was interesting to note that Emile Smith Rowe was called up to the England U21 squad, and they play France today at 5pm. I did wonder about his inclusion for the U21s at the end of last season when he’d been so hit and miss with injury towards the end of the campaign. I’m not sure it did him any good, to be honest, but this time around you can see how it might be useful.

He needs competitive minutes to get himself match fit, and at the moment the games are so important it’s a little bit difficult to take chances with a player who isn’t quite at the necessary level. After France, there’s a game against Croatia on Tuesday, so let’s see how much he features, and how well he comes through the games if he does.

Right, I’m gonna leave it there for this morning. Have a great Saturday. Back tomorrow with more Interlull nonsense (probably – what else is there?).

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