Monday, May 20, 2024


I have to say, I’m outraged this morning. Furious. Incandescent with rage.

A football club is buying a player and it’s not us. How can this be happening? What is the reason for this inertia? It’s like a cruel joke. I mean, it’s entirely possible that all the stories linking this player to us are manufactured by his agent to raise his profile or to try and elicit some action, but still. It’s disgusting.

Yes, we might even have a completely different target, and/or targets for this position, but I have spent more than just a couple of minutes looking at statistical pie-charts and radars of many colours and that kind of dedication to the cause is being rewarded how? By Arsenal not even making a bid for him. I cannot accept this, I will not accept this, and I cannot accept this.

Not only am I personally affronted, this other club buying a footballer is a devastating blow to our club. Devastating and huge. We will never recover. It’s over.

[Some time later]

Arsenal have bought a footballer.

I won’t lie. I am outraged. Incensed. What they have just done is the very definition of persecution and oppression.

Him? REALLY?! I hate him. I hate his stupid face, his stupid looking hair/beard/tattoos, and I hate the club he’s come from. I can’t stand the way he plays, he once said something in an interview that was silly and that someone at this club thought it was ok for us to spend actual money on him just shows how far we have fallen.

Yes, we all want signings and investment in the team, but not THIS. To say I have hit the ceiling over this is understating things. Not that it would be difficult with this player because his ceiling is so low anyway, but this is literally the equivalent of Arsenal coming to my house, digging up all my plants, salting the earth, and then blowing up the entire neighbourhood with a tactical missile, leaving many shrieking, scorching children on fire and also orphaned.

Think of all the other players in the world we could have bought, and this is what we did? I know people will accuse me of overreacting, but I’m being completely serious when I say the entire executive team should be put on trial for crimes against humanity and then shot before the guilty verdict comes in just to save time.

[Some time later]

My blood pressure, which my doctor recently warned me about, has gone through the roof today.

I am outraged. Fuming, I tell you. Can you believe we sold that player? This is a squad full of degenerates and losers, and of all the ones we decide to move on, it’s him. He had so much potential. Did nobody look at his xGxCxUxNxT before they gave the go-ahead on this?

We should have kept him. There are no two ways about it. As for the money we got, it’s pathetic. Remember when some other club got some other amount of money in a completely different deal that can in no way be compared with this one? Yeah. Me too.

[Some time later]

I write this from my hospital bed where I have been incapacitated due to a stroke because of what the doctors call my ‘relentless outrage’.

Nevertheless, I am outraged, and with good reason. In deciding to keep, or not sell, that player, Arsenal have gone too far. I won’t stand for, it can’t stand for it, and I won’t stand for it. We should have sold him for at least 300% more than his market value to a club who will quite happily pay more than he is worth because that is what I wanted.

I decided that this player I accuse of being crap because of YEARS of consistent under-performance has a price-tag completely removed from his actual ability, so that we have utterly failed to cash in and then spent that money on a player I like who probably has countless better options than to come to us anyway is, frankly, a slap in the face to me personally and to all Arsenal fans who I, naturally, speak on behalf of.

So, now we have no money, and this gigantic waste of space is going to be in the squad next year. What is the point of this abominable institution?

What is that buzzing sound?

Why is everything swirling?

Hey, I can see a bright light! I’ll go towards it! There are voices in the background. What does ‘Get the paddles’ mean?

There’s a man coming towards me.

Are you God? You don’t look like God. I didn’t expect him to have cloven feet and be all red and shiny and …

… ah balls.

[Some time later]

Hell is absolutely terrible. This is not what I signed up for.

I am outraged. How is anyone supposed to get anything done with all these flames and the wailing, the constant wailing?!

I will be speaking to my union rep about this, let me tell you. Just as soon as he’s back from being tortured.

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