Sunday, April 21, 2024

Exodus of the Gooners – King James Version

1 Now it came to pass that Wenger kept the Gooner flock of N5, the Goonerites, and he led the flock to the backside of the trophy desert, and came to the mountain of the three recent FA Cups.

2 And the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush: and he looked, and, behold, the bush burned with fire, and the bush was not consumed.

3 And Wenger said, I will now turn aside, and see this great sight, why the bush is not burnt.

4 And when the Lord saw that he turned aside to see, God called unto him out of the midst of the bush, and said, Wenger, Wenger. And he said, Here am I.

5 And he said, it is time to tender thy resignation, for thou hast achieved much for Arsenal, and well done for the FA Cups, but the place whereon thou standest is holy ground, and thine tactics have becometh somewhat stale and thine millionaire players are taking the Jordan out of you and will barely run a furlong for the team.

6 Moreover he said, I am the God of thy father, the God of Pires, the God of Vieira, and the God of Adams. But even God maketh mistakes, and when I hireth that bald fool, that son of a perverse and rebellious woman Gazidis, that was a pestilent mistake indeed. And Wenger hid his face; for he was afraid to look upon God.

7 And the Lord said, I have surely seen the affliction of my Gooner people which are in the desert of fifth place, sorry, scratch that, sixth place, hold oneth a moment, for I need my reading spectacles, TWELFTH PLACE and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows;

8 And I am come down bring them up out of that land unto a good land and a large, unto a land flowing with milk and honey; unto the place of the Madridites, and the Kopites, and the Bayern Munichites, and the Cityites, and most perplexingly the Spursites.

9 Now therefore, behold, the cry of the children of Herbert is come unto me: and I have also seen the oppression wherewith the so called FIFA Fair Play rules oppress them.

10 Come now therefore, and I will send thee unto Unai Emery, that thou mayest bring forth my people the children of N5 out of the desert.

11 And Wenger said unto God, Who am I, that I should go unto Unai Emery, and bid him a Good Ebening, and that he should bring forth the children of Herbert out of the desert? I am one of the greatest seers of the world, and thou are forsaking me for this man who boreth the patina off copper.

12 And he said, I bid thee let us give it a try; for he hath triumphed in the Little Cup three times, and we need a change of some kind.

13 And two years passed, and the new ruler of the Goonerites, Unai Emery, came to the mountain and said unto God, Behold, when I come unto the Goonerites and shall say unto them, at length, what the living lamb of god do I do now, what shall I sayeth?

14 And God said unto Emery, I Am That I Am: and he said, the writing was on the tablet after Palace at home. Thus shalt thou say unto the children of N5, it is Communicado Oficial time.

15 And God said moreover unto Emery, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Herbert, the Lord God of your fathers, the God of Brady, the God of Henry, and the God of Bergkamp, hath sent me unto you: this is my name for ever, and this is my memorial unto all generations. Ye are now in danger of eternal damnation, or at least a chance of the manager’s job at Watford.

16 Go, for the Goonerites shall have a new leader, and he shall beareth fire and brimstone unto the team, and he shall rejuvenateth the tribe.

17 And I have said, I will bring you up out of the affliction of twelfth place unto the land of the Kopites, and the Cityites, and the Leicesterites unto a land flowing with milk and honey. Perhaps not this season but the next.

18 And they shall hearken to his voice: and thou shalt come, thou and the elders of Highbury, unto the king of Arsenal and he shall instruct the children of Herbert unto the method of the press.

19 And he will transformeth the children, and adjure them to run their hind quarters off, and the centre-halves will become mature elders where previously they had been slaughtered chickens, and the number ten shall play as if he is possesseth by a demon.

20 And I will stretch out my hand, and smite Manchester United with all our wonders, including the expensive winger who lots of the tribe had written off. He in particular shall maketh the overfed cow of a Manchester United left back looketh like a big sack of sand.

21 And this saviour shall be known as Ark-teta, for he is leading our beasts to salvation.

22 And every man and woman of the tribe shall call full-throated to our warriors, and then we shall reach the promised land.

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