For what may very well be the last Review of the season, unless an unlikely set of circumstances mean that Good Saint Tott arrives as late as possible, I shall examine the weekend’s match at the Abu Dhabi Vulgarians and those aforementioned permutations, along with some valuable advice should the nightmare scenario occur.
To Manchester then. When one arrives in Manchester for the first time on the train, one imagines that one has arrived at a small town outside Manchester itself. But no, you have arrived in Manchester. A city that is far too pleased with itself; a crop of shaggy-haired layabouts in loose-fitting denim garb crooning about twisting one’s melons in a nasal whine does not a culture make.
And the architecture? Dear lord, this is really where one has to clutch a perfumed kerchief to one’s mouth. If warehouses, derelict cotton mills and railway viaducts tickle your moustache, then help yourself. Some minor Venetian gothic, a touch of low-level Edwardian baroque, and of courses the thrown-together postmodern mish-mash of the ghastly Etihad Stadium itself. What a cheap, temporary looking carbuncle it is.
Considering the sheer amount of other people’s money that has been thrown at this team of footpads, mercenaries and chancers, one would have thought that it would at least be vulgar in that Gulf style? A two hundred storey tower perhaps, or a fake beach, or a shopping mall stocking only Versace. But no. An oval of cheap steel full of 50,000 odd of England’s stupidest and most annoying set of entitled supporters. Truly horrible. I’d rather go to Carrow Road’s poverty stadium with its in-house sheep-dips and rust. Actually, no I wouldn’t.
A pleasure then to potentially crush their Big Cup dreams. Despite going ahead twice, City managed to be as bad at defending as Arsenal. It is no coincidence that young Gael Clichy, lately of this parish, was involved in a comical mix up with the Premier League’s most overrated glove butler and occasionally enemy of dandruff Joe Hart which resulted in the corner from which – AT LONG LAST – Brigadier Goring-Hildred popped in a noggin-bobbler.
Add to that a much-needed goal from Whizzbang Saunders and we ended up with a draw, exhibiting two things that had been sorely missing since last year – character and spunk. I have to confess drunkenly carousing in Islington a few weeks ago, asking if anyone knew where the spunk had gone, only to be given very short shrift by passers-by. I now know why. But I shall retain the usage of this word. We need spunk. Next season we shall need more spunk than ever.
The relegation of Newcastle is something of double-edged sword. On the one hand, it is really funny, and I like few things more than knowing Mike Ashley is very unhappy. On the other, they now have nothing to play for agin Middlesex on Sunday, meaning that the unthinkable may happen.
I have contacted Tottenham Hotspur to offer the services of my catering staff on Saturday evening. Should they be required, I have instructed them to prepare a delicacy known as Lasagne Escherichia coli, a famous dish among Arsenal fans. Back in 2006, you will recall that a chef at the Marriott Hotel in Canary Wharf prepared a lasagne complete with a very special ingredient – some of his special Sauce de Bum. This provided richness, depth, and at least 24 hours of vomiting and diarrhoea. That weekend was quite literally shits and giggles. Shits for Spurs, giggles for us. We hope this weekend is as joyful.
In the event of Spurs finishing above Arsenal, I have prepared the following useful phrases:
“Congratulations on winning your cup final.”
“How long’s the train journey to Stadium MK?”
“Oh, so you’re at Wembley next season. Nice to be out in Middlesex again, no?”
“Well if you can only finish one/ three/ five points/ by goal difference ahead of Arsenal by kicking and hacking your way there then help yourselves, you hedgepigs.”
“Congratulations. Do remind me how many times you’ve won the league at White Hart Lane?”
“Where’s your captain gone?”
“Congratulations to Tottenham, winners of the North London-Middlesex Outreach Cup. The list of winners of the last twenty years:
1996 Arsenal
1997 Arsenal
1998 Arsenal
1999 Arsenal
2000 Arsenal
2001 Arsenal
2002 Arsenal
2003 Arsenal
2004 Arsenal
2005 Arsenal
2006 Arsenal
2007 Arsenal
2008 Arsenal
2009 Arsenal
2010 Arsenal
2011 Arsenal
2012 Arsenal
2013 Arsenal
2014 Arsenal
2015 Arsenal
2016 ??????
So that should shut them up. If that fails, just show them a photograph of Harry Kane on your phone and ask them if he is quite right.
