I thought it would be opportune, in the wake of the murder spree of those sexually inadequate, festering, artless, pribbling, puny, warped, pox-marked, knotty-pated, boil-brained puttocks, who seek to strike at the heart of culture, to celebrate some of Arsenal’s finest players from across Le Manche.
Here are my favourite XI Woolwich Frenchmen.
CHARLES GEORGE
1968-1975
Nickname: ‘Le Croquembouche’ (‘The Big Fancy Cake’)
Signature move: The Waterloo Cannon, a magnificent but casual shot from distance. We all remember ‘King Charles’, when he arrived like some glorious and exotic lizard from Paris St. Germain. What a player.
LILLIAN BRADY
1973-1980
Nickname: ‘Le Gauche’ (‘The Left One’)
Signature move: Le Vin Rouge, whereupon the defender who had just been tasked with marking him for the match required a large glass of it after the game.
PATRICE PATRICE
1967-1980
Nickname: ‘Peu de Fromage’ (‘The Little Cheese’)
Signature Move: L’épicier (The Grocer) whereupon the satsumas of an opponent would be weighed in Patrice’s palm during the match.
JEAN-PAUL RADFOURDE
1964-1976
Nickname: ‘Monsieur Aile’ (Mr. Wing)
Signature Move: ‘The Bertie Bonus’, any of the 19 goals he scored for Bertie Mee in 1969/1970 when Arsenal won our first trophy for 17 years, the Fairs Cup.
JACQUES WILSHÈRE
2008-
Nickname: Le Rosbif (‘The Roast Beef’, due to an English Grandmother)
Signature Move: The Arc de Triomphe’, a very precise, arcing long ball to feet.
KOURANNE GIBBOIS
2007-
Nickname: ‘Le Jazz Maraudeur’ (The Jazz Marauder)
Signature Move: ‘The Positional Conundrum’, due to the manager not really knowing where he is best placed. Is he a left back? Is he a winger? Is he an inside left? We do not yet know. He is un mystère.
DAVID OLLERIE
1975-1993
Nickname: ‘Le Maire’ (The Mayor’)
Signature Move: ‘le pied solide’, a very powerful clearance.
THEODORE WALCOUÉ
2006-
Nickname: ‘Fenton’
Signature Move: ‘The Alley Baffler’, a direct run down the channels that results in a goal kick.
MARTIN KEE-HOMME
1984-1986 and 1993-2004
Nickname: ‘l’effaroucheur de cheval’ (‘The Horse Scarer’)
Signature Move: ‘le saut terrifiant du gorille’
ROBERT ‘BERB’ WILSONNE
1963-1974
Nickname: ‘Le Gobelin’ (‘The Goblin’)
Signature Move: ‘L’anguille de saut d’obstacles’ (‘The Jumping Eel’)
ANDRE DUCAT
1905-1912
Nickname: ‘Le Canard’ (‘The Duck’)
Signature Move: ‘L’Off Drive’, a glorious move which he excelled in in both football and cricket.
So there you have it. Vive La France, and bugger those arseholes.
