Before we go anywhere this morning, yes I know we lost 3-1 at home to Monaco. I realise this makes our passage to the quarter-finals of the Champions League extremely difficult. It’s not impossible, but very unlikely.
I am aware of our situation and how badly we played that night. I am conscious that talk of us turning that deficit around is far-fetched, fanciful and scoring enough goals in Monaco without reply to go and qualify is improbable.
I cannot make it any clearer than that.
However, that doesn’t mean that what happened to Chelsea last night isn’t one of the funniest things of all time. First PSG were reduced to 10 men after a challenge between Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Oscar (nominative determinism at its finest there as his reaction should have won him a golden statue).
It looked bad in real time but both players were culpable. Oscar’s histrionics – aided by the fact John Terry stepped on his head – were exacerbated by every other Chelsea outfield player surrounding the referee to have a good moan, saw the Swede get the red card. Clearly there’s a campaign against Jose Mourinho’s team.
So, playing against 10 men and not having to do anything but keep PSG out, the odds were stacked in their favour. Chelsea were denied a penalty (campaign! campaign!) and Diego Costa had a tantrum. Gary Cahill scored a goal which was one of those ‘Well it doesn’t change anything goals’, the visitors had to score at some point. Except now their goal would take the game into extra-time rather than win it for them, but hey.
They played well with 10 men. Motta was fantastic, Verratti superb at times and unwilling to take any of their nonsense, but time was running out until all of a sudden David Luiz showed Costa (no goals in the Champions League this season) how to do it by thumping a late header in off the crossbar. Finally Sideshow Bob had his revenge over Evil Bart.
Chelsea looked knackered but in the first half of extra-time they got a quite remarkable penalty. Yes, Thiago Silva’s hand was in an unusual, and silly, position, but replay after replay failed to show him making any contact whatsoever with the ball. He looked sheepish but I think that was a very generous decision.
Eden Hazard stepped up and that should have been that. 2-1 up on the night, playing against 10 men at home, to lose from here would surely be something that football’s greatest mastermind tactician bloke could never do. It would be beyond the realms of possibility when you’re as accomplished and brilliant as Mourinho, right?
PSG kept at it though. From a PSG corner Courtois made a brilliant save from a Thiago Silva header, which resulted in another corner. Now, this is where it gets amazing. Firstly, John Terry decides to mark … er … Gary Cahill, grabbing at him like he’s a man trying to park in the disabled parking space he was about to shove his Bentley into, before realising the error of his ways.
Then, due to his delay in identifying the real target, gets out-jumped by Thiago whose header loops over everyone into the top corner. Hilarity ensues. What was Terry thinking? Maybe he was just really distracted by the obvious:
There are many funny people in this world who do lots of funny stuff. Great comedians, actors, writers and performers who regularly make me laugh with their words and actions, and this is right up there with the best works they have ever produced. It’s the footballing equivalent of the Cape Fear episode of The Simpsons, the Paintball episode of Community, and South Park’s ‘Scott Tenorman Must Die’ all wrapped up in one 120 minute bundle.
It’s like that Isaac Asimov short story where a bloke insists on finding out what makes things funny and after he finds out nothing is funny again. Except this is still funny and will be funny all day. And probably all week. Who am I kidding? This will be funny until infinity plus one.
Maybe it’s small and petty of me, but regardless of who you support and what your team does or fails to do, one of the great things about football is the joy it can bring you when rival teams, teams you don’t like with managers and players that are divisive, fall flat on their arses.
You can be sure that Chelsea fans had a right laugh at what we did against Monaco. That is part and parcel of the game. I know I would have had a good laugh at us in similar circumstances. For example, last night – when 10 man PSG knocked-out Chelsea in extra-time to qualify on away goals when one of their former players scored against them and John Terry stood on Oscar’s head and tackled his own man rather than head the ball away which allowed Thiago to score the winner.
Those kind of circumstances. Did John Terry cry afterwards? Who can say? I guess he’ll be happy enough to know he reduced many people to tears last night. That the weeping was mirth based probably is of little comfort to him, but it tickles me this morning, I can tell you.
So, thanks Chelsea. On a morning when there was little or no Arsenal news, you’ve given us something to chat about it. Chances are you’ll bounce back quickly, and at some point you’ll have the chance to point the finger at us. So it goes. It doesn’t make right now any less hilarious though.
Ok, that’s that. For your Arsenal dose check out the early team news ahead of the West Ham game on Saturday, more tomorrow with an Arsecast and all that.
Until then.
