Dear readers, I can only purvey a gristly joint this week, for we went to the smoky, stinking hinterlands of Staffordshire, to play Stoke Town FC. Under recent European legislation, Stoke fans now count as actual human beings. They share over 70% of their DNA with us more highly evolved beings, 10% more than John Terry does, so we should be generous and charitable and treat them as ‘equals’ in human terms. Think of them as shaved apes, if it helps. Head of this thuggish mob, and Chief Executive of Rotational Fouling is Charlie Adam.

This Saturday last, Mr. Adam, also known variously as The Blackpool Blimp, The Stay Puft Scotsman, King Lard, The Angry Blancmange, McTubby, The Adipose Assassin, The Seventeen Stone Stamper, The Dundee Doughnut Hugger, The Scots Salad Avoider, the 40 Inch Waisted Imbecile & Mr. Creosote, violently stamped on our elegant striker and ex-Guardsman Brigadier Goring-Hildred. Truly a beautiful man, whose noble profile, muscular, well-defined torso, and powerful, oiled haunches produce an intemperate heat in man, woman and transgender alike.


However you define your sexual orientation, Goring-Hildred arouses the animal in you. That is proven science. On a scale marked ‘BEAUTIFUL, POWERFUL at one end and UGLY, RIDICULOUS’ at the other, like a billiards scoreboard, at one end you’d have the Brigadier, and at the other you’d have Adam. In that one moment, Adam was saying, “I hate you because you are everything I am not.” Mr. Adam was fortunate that Mr. Flame, he of the vengeful nature, was not on the pitch. For revenge would have been immediate and painful.

In fact, I would postulate that no stamp would have occurred; either some lovely ‘pre-venge’ would have been offered by the lively and violent Mr. Flame, or in the split-second before Mr. Adam’s foot descended on our striker, he would have a premonition of his knee being rotated by a sturdy reducer from Mr. Flame. The blighter has rightly been banned for it but I would have had him up before a Court Martial and then shot at dawn.

What can we say about the rest of the match? They seemingly play to a different code up there, but we are not blameless in a somewhat impotent performance. Yes, the penalty was softer than Charlie Adam’s midriff, but we should have won the game long before that. In my humble opinion, we should start Master Oxlade-Chamberlain, a vigorous, probing, muscular, mutton-chopped scamperer who caused much brouhaha when he came on. As did Mr. Orwell, bright as a new church bell, refined, classy, impish. We are now behind Liverpool, a fact which their fans are celebrating on Twitter much like they did their spawny, freakish win in Istanbul, or indeed their last league title, achieved two years before our Number 10 was born.

Which brings me to Mr. Agger’s challenge. Young Monsieur Wilshère, who qualifies to play for England under the granny rule, had his foot broken by Liverpool defender Daniel Agger. Are we now entering an era where individual players, on international duty, have a secondary purpose n a match – to injure a player from a rival domestic club? That is not coming from me, that is coming from the delirious chunterings of Liverpool fans, delighted that Agger had performed such a deed. Liverpool fans of course are by and large vicious criminals, felons, thieves, footpads and curs, and their allocation at numerous away games has to be reduced due to their known criminality, but wishing lasting injury on another team’s player? Lower than a grass snake’s belly.

Peregrine Meatlocker

Good news this week though: New deals for both Tommy Robinson, ‘The Cad’, whose contributions will be ever more important this season following the Aggering of Wilshère, and Lord Peregrine Meatlocker, the Bloody Fine Gentleman, who this week revealed that he reads the journal in which you are now engaged.

And so to another visit from Everton, by some margin the best club in Liverpool. Their debts unpaid by Colonial largesse, they are in the league position they are in because they deserve it. It shall certainly be a battle, but a victory would be a wonderful balm for the faithful. As our King James tells us (Romans 5:3) – “And not only [so], but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience”. However, it also tells us, (Deut. 25:11) “When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.” Which seems a touch rum to me.

Still, tally ho! Onward, gooners, onward!


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