He got up, made coffee – black, and sat down at his computer. He rubbed his eyes then his face, the 2 days worth of stubble scratching the hairy palms of his hand.
He had wanted to stay in bed but goddammit there were people waiting for him. He had a duty. A responsibility. He couldn’t let them down. Not like that time he once slept it in until after 10am and there had nearly been a riot.
He clicked onto the webpage which listed all the stories. He’d cherry pick the best ones, quote some quotes and make some comment about something or someone or something. In fairness anyone could do it. The proliferation of competitors in recent times was testament to that. Quite literally they were the room full of monkeys and one day one of them was going to knock out the works of Shakespeare. ‘Romeo and Silverback’ or ‘The bonobo ape of Venice’. It was only a matter of time.
He looked. Nothing. It was blank. Jesus. This was bad. Nearly as bad as the time he he’d walked into a meeting and called the boss a complete cunt thinking he wasn’t there but in fact he was there and the boss heard him call him a cunt and there was that awkward silence until he said ‘Well, surely it doesn’t come as a shock to you that I think you’re a cunt’ and the boss looked hurt because he really had no idea and thought he was really popular when in fact everyone thought he was a cunt. Worse than that.
What could he do? The drought had been coming for some time though. Maybe he should have prepared something, but what? A trip down memory lane perhaps. He could have dug into the archives and fished something out to fill up the space but that would have been cheating. He drank some coffee.
A new direction for the blog maybe? He could do that sort of celeb stuff where you post pictures of them being all skinny and call them ‘anorexic crack hoes’ and then when you do find a picture of them where they don’t look like a concentration camp survivor you call them ‘fat arsed bitches’. Politics? Pfff. Who cares about politics apart from politicians, voters and those who actively like politics?
Technology? Gay and lesbian? Gay and lesbian technology? Youtube clips of Family Guy that everyone has seen a million times?
Shit, it was all so confusing. Maybe he’d just keep the faith a little longer.
He finished his coffee, made some breakfast – a raw potato dipped in Guinness and washed down with a pint of whiskey. Today was going to be a long day. Nearly as long as that car journey he made with the friend of a friend who had been a massive David Gray fan and he hadn’t known him long enough to ask him to turn that horrible music off. If ever 8 minutes had seemed like an eternity…
He needed a contingency plan though. This couldn’t be allowed happen again. Google was his friend. You could make bombs from shoes these days. Was there nothing the internet couldn’t teach you? This time he would let it go but next time, well, next time he’d have to pay FIFA a visit. An explosive visit. Explosive like the diarhhoea he’d had after that trip to the Chinese on his way home after being in town drinking pints all day.
That’d teach them, he thought. He finished his coffee. Clicked ‘publish’.
