Salutations from the wonderland of north London, where the roads are paved in red rubies and white diamonds, marshmallows leap from the trees into the beautiful maws of its inhabitants and sweet, sweet nectar is poured from crystalline decanters on demand. For The Arsenal are enjoying Not A Terrible Start To The Season At All Thank You Very Much for the first time in a very long time.
VICTORY FOR MR. WINDSOR’S ANTI-FASCISTS
Splendid visit to the wastelands of Not Really Even Scotland last weekend, where the nefarious black-shirted forces of Il Duce Di Canio, he of the friendly flat handed salute. Although all that unpleasantness is all behind him now, and anyway, he wasn’t ever really a fascist, more of just a desperate-to-please journeyman with no sense of political or social awareness and a funny walk. Or so they say. Anyway, our band of righteous fellows struck a blow for freedom as the joyless jackboots of Sunderland Association Football Club were duly beaten. Our man of the moment, The Senegal Sir, Mr Abdoulaye Ramsara played a wonderfully stirring game. He is indubitably becoming the complete midfielder we thought he would be when he joined us from US Ouakam of the Senegalese first division all those years ago.
It was of course the debut of the Wandsworth Wizard, Mr. Melvin Orwell. Considering he had not yet trained with the team, he slipped in there like an ice cube into a cocktail; busy, sensual, ethereal, magnificent, a delitescent delight, a Will-o’-the-wisp with splendid mutton chops. We are yet to see The Mesemertron of course. The pass he played for Mr. Ramsara was simply a precision Gentleman’s Favour. A song for Melvin is below.
It was pleasing to see Sunderland at times playing what looked like the WM formation. I hear one other tactical change Il Duce has made as part of his attempt to impose a spartan training regime on his team of millionaires is ‘The Moss Protocol’. He has banned lavatory paper from the training ground, and players must forage for their rear toiletries in nearby woods.
CONGRATULATIONS TO SPURS
Well done to Middlesex, who scored their first goal from open play at the weekend, sparking wild celebrations in the slums of Tottenham:
FC CHELSEA 2003
Spare a thought for poor old Chelsea. Just ten years into the project and the cracks are beginning to show. True, who could have imagined the success they had when Mr. Abramovich telephoned his old friend Claudio Ranieri back in 2003 and said “Claudio, I want to start a football club from scratch. I have a lot of money and a slightly shady past and I wish for these values to be transferred to this new club, can you help?”
Perhaps we might now witness the decrescendo of this tawdry example of avarice and greed, and Chelsea will drift back into the ether, like a fart when the butler opens the door.
STOP PRESS: They have just lost to the cuckoo clocks of Basel. Crisis. Delicious, wonderful crisis.
ORWELL’S SONG
Yes, I know he’s a Number 11, but as previously discussed, he’s so good at Number 10 that they turned him up to 11. I’ve had Gilbert and Sullivan run this little one up. It would go down a treat away at Stoke, I’m sure. Three rehearsals per week until we get it just so?
I am the very model of a modern Number Ten-ical,
I’ve passes looping bending and indeed both short and longical,
I love to play for The Arsenal, I find them most historicalFrom Tottenham to Stamford Bridge, I think those slums are horrible;
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters femeninical,
I have ladies in most towns from Bognor Regis ‘cross to Montreal
I’m able to select a pass – the right one I will always choose
I’ll play my best and try to see that Arsenal will quite seldom lose.
Until next week – Pip Pip!
