april 6th
13.16 – Right, after yesterday’s disappointing draw with Aston Villa, I sat down last night, with page after page of statistics, articles, physical performance charts, results and a bottle of Jameson, and I decided to do an in-depth analysis of the Arsenal team. After much refining, hard word and number crunching, I am pleased to be able to share the results with you today. It doesn’t make pretty reading.
Goalkeepers – in this area I concluded we’re crap. A 40 year old, a bloke with Ian Walker hair, a Swegyptian with a broken leg, and some French bloke who looks like Lionel Blair.
Defence – after much soul searching, I have to conclude we’re crap here too. We have Sol Campbell who will always have his Tottenham breeding against him, Cygan is crap, Keown is too old, Ashley Cole is a failed forward, Lauren is a midfielder, Oleg is as old as the Urals and Kolo Toure is an own-goal specialist.
Midfield – yes, you’ve guessed it..crap. Vieira, way too tall to be a world class player, not like your David Battys or Paul Scholes’s’s’s – proper pint sized midfielders that everyone knows are best. Gilberto = Gimpberto, those cheekbones would be better off on a catwalk in Milan that on the precious turf of THOF. Edu – another own-goal specialist. Gio, always injured. Parlour, too ginger. Freddie, more interested in the latest fur collared coat from some trendy market than turning up his collar and getting stuck in for the Gunners. Wiltord – his head is pointy, I don’t think I need to say any more than that.
Forwards – Crap, with a capital C. Henry has lightning pace, but he’s just a 3 season flash in the pan. Jeffers, with those ears he should quite literally fly around the pitch, instead he dives and does nothing when he’s given 5 minutes at the end of a game to prove himself – a waste of space. Kanu – Kan’tu more like it. Bergkamp – if big games were life in general, and Dennis was 8 years old, his mum would be going mental coz he’d be going missing all the time.
Manager – CRAP. So winning two doubles means you’re great all of a sudden, does it? Revolutionising a club from top to bottom should be lauded as some kind of achievement? Producing a team for the most part plays wonderful attacking football is something to be proud of? Rubbish. He’s crap, and we all know it.
My arse – what we need is a proper Arsenal side like the one we had in the 80s. How I yearn for the days when Chris Whyte would play centre forward, we had quality like Niall Quinn and Paul Mariner up-front, and wizards like Kevin Richardson and Perry Groves strutting their stuff in midfied. Not to mention competent goalkeeping from George Wood.
Just remember, if we win something this season, it will be more by accident than design. Another fluke for Wenger and his flukey players to add their previous flukes in 1998 and 2002.
Bring back Terry Neill, before it’s too late.
