In a busy week of Premier League action, it was nice for them to throw in a fixture involving a couple of Sunday League teams.
Stamford FC versus Trafford Rovers last night was tremendous fun, a glorious cocktail of zero tactics, players who must clearly have been hungover from the night before (it was probably one of the lads’ stag party and they ended up drinking Jaegerbombs from a KFC cup they stole off a homeless man), and two coaches whose football philosophy has both of them looking in the dictionary for the meaning of the word ‘philosophy’.
In seriousness, what an enjoyable shambles it was. Chelsea went 2-0 up, United got it back to 2-2, then went 3-2 ahead in the second half, but conceded twice in the 8+ minutes of injury time to lose 4-3. I mean, even if it had been 3-3, it’d have been a great laugh, but what United did after conceding a late penalty was just next level. A commitment to on-field comedy that hasn’t been seen since the halcyon days of Mustafi and David Luiz doing their best to one up each other as a central defensive partnership.
David Luiz: “Watch me come on as a sub, give four penalties away and get sent off!”
Mustafi: *Falls Over* – thus setting in motion a butterfly-effect situation that somehow destroys an orphanage in Cyprus. On Christmas Eve. While Santa is in the chimney.
Rather than just take the blow of the late goal, they piled forward from kick-off, lost the ball, and ended up in a situation where Chelsea had a 6 on 4 advantage – one they should have scored from. In the end, they got a corner, and if you thought what happened before was funny, this was rolling in the aisles stuff. Cole Palmer realises that United don’t have any kind of defensive shape at their set-pieces, they just get a load of men in the box and hope that Harry Maguire can loaf the ball away with his giant head.
A couple of the United players obviously have residual brain cells somewhere and start pointing at Palmer. Just pointing. Not reacting. Pointing. As if they are wand-less magicians trying to do a spell to make him stop. Which of course he doesn’t. He takes the pass, takes a touch and shot, and despite some efforts to close him down the ball rockets into the back of the net via a deflection for 4-3 Chelsea.
It was genuinely extraordinary stuff. Afterwards, Erik ten Hag said, “Yes, it was not so good from us, but if Hojlund gets a penalty against Arsenal in September, it’s a different situation.”
What’s so funny about this is the fact that this season, United are allowing an average of 17.53 shots on goal … per game! Only Sheffield United in the ‘top 5’ leagues in Europe allow more, and that’s understandable because of their stature, their newly promoted status, and the fact they’re managed by a man who has a fundamental objection to sandwiches.
Man Utd have faced 17.53 shots per game in the Premier League this season, Sheffield Utd are the only team in Europe's big five divisions that face more on average.
Sheffield Utd have conceded 80 goals and are bottom of the league with 15 points from 30 games. 😳 pic.twitter.com/Hx4sn5VSyz
— Squawka (@Squawka) April 4, 2024
In their last six games, which include fixtures against bottom half sides Luton, Everton and Brentford, they have allowed 148 shots on goal. It’s remarkable, and may I just say I think ten Hag is doing a fantastic job there and all true football fans should get behind him to continue his work for as long as possible.
I know there’s a downside to what happened last night, but as the old saying goes, “Don’t cry because Chelsea are happy, cry tears of laughter because Man Utd are sad.”
It’ll be interesting to see if Mikel Arteta is asked about the week’s action in his press conference today. You can imagine him sitting at home enjoying that last night on a comedic level, but also shuddering with distaste at what he is seeing from so-called professional footballers. We’ll bring you all the news from his pre-Brighton presser over on Arseblog News.
If you want to enjoy a bit more Premier League analysis, in much the same style as you have in today’s blog but in audio fashion, join myself and Phil over on Patreon later on as we look back at all the games in a new episode of The 30. We’ll also have a Brighton preview podcast for you this afternoon, so plenty to get your ears around today.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try and make a sausage sandwich ten Hag style by just pointing at some bread and hoping for the best. There’s a new Arsecast below for you too. Enjoy!
