Tuesday, March 5, 2024


Good morning to all of you in your Arsenal-free weekend.

I have not yet watched Match of the Day, but can I please just say that Manchester United are stupid. What are they up to? There’s no excuse for that kind of nonsense. In all seriousness, I feel that the entire football club should be folded immediately. Recycle all the plastic available and build something that will benefit humanity, like an underground bunker, a new hospital, or some kind of neighbourhood fire-pit that people can just wander along to with sausages on a stick and cook them any time of the day or night.

Wouldn’t that be an amazing amenity for the community? You could cook all kinds of sausages too, and I guarantee it would reduce civil unrest because people would be satisfied in their bellies. Not to mention the way it would create a whole new generation of bakers because while sausages are good on their own, they are much better when eaten with bread of some kind. Whether it’s a bun or just regular sandwich bread, it brings a whole new dimension to proceedings.

Think of the side-hustles it could create too. One day you’re just a lad looking for a way to navigate the world, the next you’re the Onion King, selling delicious accompaniments for all the sausages. Who’s this? Oh, it’s Steve Mustard – the guy whose tangy condiment brings the sausage sandwiches to a new level. And while some might bemoan the demise of an institution, the rest will appreciate the new addition to the locality. For those who might weep, build a statue of Bruno Fernandes crying over something – like an opposition player running too fast for him so he points and blames someone else – and they can visit it like some kind of shrine.

What a tourist attraction it would be. 6 months later and visits to Manchester have increased by 800%. 117% are sausage aficionados from all over the world, the rest are people who just want to see Gary Neville blubbering in front of the statue of Bruno. Jamie Carragher could do guided tours, pointing and laughing like he’s in the co-commentary box during a 7-0 demolition.

“This is not Manchester United,” squeals Neville.

“It is now!”, laughs Carragher.

And all the while, people enjoy their sausages, bread, onions, mustard, and all the rest.

At this point, I don’t feel like I have anything else to contribute to the world today. Please have a nice time doing whatever it is you’re doing.

Till tomorrow.

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