INTERIOR: RECORDING STUDIO. DAYTIME.
[MUSIC PLAYS 🎵]
MALE VOICE OVER 1: CAN’T SLEEP? RESTLESS? ANXIOUS? TWITCHY TWITTER FINGER?
THEN MAYBE YOU HAVE ANNOUNCEMENT ANGST!
ANNOUNCEMENT ANGST IS A RECENTLY DISCOVERED SYNDROME AFFECTING MILLIONS OF FOOTBALL FANS WORLDWIDE AS THEY WAIT FOR SOMETHING THEY ALL KNOW IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO OFFICIALLY HAPPEN.
MALE VOICE OVER 2: MY NAME IS BOB AND I THOUGHT I WAS LIVING A NORMAL LIFE, BUT THEN I FOUND MYSELF SUFFERING FROM PANIC ATTACKS, DELUSIONS, AND FANTASTICAL VEXATION – ALLOWING SOMETHING THAT WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL TO AFFECT MY DAY TO DAY LIFE.
I GOT TO A POINT WHERE I FELT LIKE I DIDN’T EVEN WANT THE ANNOUNCEMENT ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY HAD TAKEN ALL THE EXCITEMENT OF IT AWAY WITH THE DELAYS. AS IF THIS WAS SOMEHOW PERSONAL TO ME.
THEN, THANKS TO MEGA-ARSE-PHARM INC I DISCOVERED THE CURE. I WENT … OUTSIDE.
MALE VOICE OVER 1: THAT’S RIGHT, WITH OUR PATENTED SOLUTION, YOU CAN BE FREE OF ANNOUNCEMENT ANGST FOREVER. SIMPLY PUT YOUR DEVICE DOWN OR SWITCH IT OFF, OPEN THE FRONT FUCKING DOOR, AND GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE FOR A WHILE.
WALK IN THE PARK. LOOK AT CLOUDS. LISTEN TO BIRDS CHEEPING. CHILDREN PLAYING. DOGS BARKING. FEEL THE RAYS OF THE SUN ON YOUR FACE. ENJOY THE SOUND OF TRAFFIC ON AN EIGHT LANE HIGHWAY.
READ A NEWSPAPER AND LET SOME OF THE HORRENDOUS SHIT THAT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW SINK IN. AND IF YOU THINK WE’RE TAKING THE P – YOU’RE RIGHT. P FOR PERSPECTIVE.
FOR JUST ZERO POUNDS AND ZERO PENCE, WE’LL SEND YOU A LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTION TO OUTSIDE.
ANNOUNCEMENT ANGST IS REAL AND DESTROYING LIVES AND RELATIONSHIPS EVERY DAY, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO SUFFER ANY LONGER.
[MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY 🎵]
DISCLAIMER (PLEASE READ VERY FAST): GOING OUTSIDE MAY CAUSE SIDE-EFFECTS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: HAYFEVER, HEADACHES, INSOMNIA, GUM DISEASE, CONSTIPATION, DROWSINESS, DRY MOUTH, BLINDNESS, RECTAL BLEEDING, MICKEY SPASMS, ABNORMAL HEART RHYTHM, COLLAPSED LUNGS, HUMAN INTERACTION, COMA, RUPTURED SPLEEN, DRY MOUTH, ITCHY SCALP, A REALISATION THAT SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOT REAL, THE BENDS, CONSUMPTION (OF DELICIOUS FOOD), BARBAROUS APOPLEXY, FRENCH POX, LOCKJAW, MILK LEG, SCRIVENER’S PALSY, PARALYSIS AND DEATH.
[END]
