Thursday, April 25, 2024

Exclusive: Arsenal are fucked

I’m sorry to report this morning that the title we’re all dreaming of won’t be happening.

After a number of previous charges this season for failing to control our players, I have word that the FA are going to throw the book at Arsenal. A proper big book too. Not some kind of weedy pamphlet, think War and Peace and The Lord of the Rings in one big compendium. Said book will come with numerous points deductions, beginning with Saturday’s win over Bournemouth:

William Saliba booting the corner flag

FA rule 19.11c states that ‘Any club which causes damage to an artifact used for a ‘communicado official‘ faces sanction, up to and including points decision. Saliba kicked the corner flag then, as it was returning to its natural position, smashed it again with his testicular region. A double-whammy offence: 2 points docked.

Ben White – Excessive Taunting

After Reiss Nelson’s winner hit the back of the net, Ben White stood in front of Bournemouth goalkeeper Neto gave it ‘large’. On the advice of the referee, and newly appointed VAR official Mr Mee Lason, this was considered ungentlemanly conduct to extent that not only will the player face a 5 game ban, Arsenal shall be penalised for failing to control a particularly handsome player: 3 points docked.

Furthermore, White assaulted Neto’s hand with the back of his head: 2 points docked.

Tiny pitch invaders

Football has long dealt with the scourge of pitch invaders. For the most part, these are a product of a bygone age, but from time to time you see one try. Jurgen Klopp’s disgust at Anfield on Sunday was evident when a large scally ran onto the pitch to celebrate a Liverpool goal in their 7-0 (seven) win over Manchester United.

However, at FA HQ the real worry has been ‘What if they make them smaller, and thus much more difficult to see and catch? – a bit like the ‘Would you fight 100 duck sized horses?’ question.

This time it might have only been one tiny little chap, but to ensure this isn’t a case of testing the waters before there’s a full on invasion of little lads in full kits wearing parkas – which would ruin the prestige of the Premier League across the globe – the club will be fined a billion pounds and given another points deduction: 4 points docked.

On top of that, Mikel Arteta’s high five of Saturday’s diminutive little rascal is seen as tacit endorsement of this growing menace: 3 more points docked.

Bukayo Saka

Bukayo Saka is Bukayo Saka: 8 points docked.

Noise pollution

It has been said that when Reiss Nelson’s goal hit the back of the net, the noise generated by the crowd was so great that it was in breach of the Environmental Protection Agency Act of 2004, which prohibits noise that is a nuisance, or that would endanger human health or damage property or damage the environment.

By their own admission, it was so loud that some Arsenal fans started to cry, openly weeping at the reverberation of celebration in their eardrums. As a reminder to all other clubs that last-gasp winners should be celebrated with a minimum of screaming, bellowing, shrieking, roaring, whooping, and especially hollering, the FA must impose the strictest possible sanction which is 3 points docked: So 6 points docked because the noise went on a bit too long.

Giving false hope to others

Going two goals down and then coming back to win might seem like a good thing from an Arsenal perspective, but what about the impact on other supporters? The FA believe the club has a duty of care towards the wider football community, and there were a significant number of complaints made by fans from Manchester who felt upset by what transpired.

The FA believes that these delicate little souls, who support a plucky little side who came from nowhere to dominate the Premier League through their own sheer will and endless spunk and definitely not because of any underhanded financial tomfoolery, have been negatively affected by the drama against Bournemouth on Saturday.

Arsenal to pay for counselling for any individual who requires it. And: 7 points docked.

Disproportionate celebration

A statement from PC Dick Keys: “At around 4.56pm on Saturday afternoon, I was witness to the most egregious and disturbing sight. A 23 year old footballer kicked a ball in the back of a net – that’s what they are paid to do, right? It should not be a big deal. You don’t see a taxi driver do cartwheels every time he drops off a fare, do you?

“What transpired disgusted me to my very core. I saw shocking celebrations, and let me tell you, I’ve seen plenty in this job down the years. This was shameless. Jumping. Hugging. People enjoying themselves at a sporting event. We simply cannot have that.

“The correct response would have been for the teammates of said 23 year old to line up in an orderly fashion to shake his hand and say ‘Jolly good show, old chap’, but that protocol was not adhered to. Therefore in my role as head of this police force, I reported Arsenal, the players, the staff, the fans and their pets, and the lads who sell burgers outside the ground.

“Mmm, the smell of those onions, takes me right back. Back to a time when men were real men and footballers were an example to everyone.”

Having examined the statement from the top law enforcement officer in the land, the FA have come to their decision: 12 points docked.

It’s not all bad news though. We are absolutely going to walk the Championship next season.

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