Tuesday, October 4, 2022

Rating the goal of the month contenders

It’s been a good month for Arsenal on the pitch, reflected in the inclusion of Mikel Arteta for the Manager of the Month award; Bukayo Saka for Player of the Month; and Gabriel Martinelli for Goal of the Month.

You can vote on all those things now on the Premier League’s website, and while I might be slightly biased, I do think Martinelli’s is the best goal. So much so, I have watched all the others and will break down my reasoning here.

Reece James v Burnley

On the surface a pretty decent goal. Twists well, turns well, finishes well across the keeper, but my sense is that Nick Pope just got a bit of a hand to it which obviously then diminishes it significantly. I haven’t found any other angles of it, but I don’t need any of your so-called evidence. Don’t come at me with your links to a recording of a stream of the goal which shows there was no touch.

Like Spiderman, I trust my senses.

Arseblog rating: 5/10

Chucho Hernandez v Arsenal

Good movement, but let’s be honest here: he shinned it.

Arseblog rating: 6/10

Bruno Guimaraes v Southampton

Like some kind of sexy lady assassin, he stabbed it with his stilettos. Heely Dan. It was a reverse of one of Newcastle’s finest ever moments. Guimaraes imagined he was Alan Shearer, that the ball was Neil Lennon’s head, and went for it to great effect.

However, it’s more an unusual looking goal than a great goal in my opinion. Sort of like a one-eyed dog with a huge underbite who has massively swollen lymph nodes.

Arseblog rating: 5.5/10

Ruben Neves v Watford

I like a good chip. We don’t get enough of those in the Premier League if you ask me. Back in the day, even someone like David Bentley could score a chip, but nowadays too many players are ‘inspired’ to just twat it home with all the strength and power they can muster.

This goal is not that. Neves steps inside the defender, sees the keeper off his line, and dinks it over him with perfect precision and a very pleasing trajectory. Aesthetically it’s a very nice goal, but considering it was the fourth in a 4-0 and coming in the 85th minute his celebrations were a bit much – and this is a guy who is an expert in what can be celebrated and what can’t.

He should have just stood there, offered a few handshakes and said, “Thanks lads, I’m quite pleased with that one”, but took off running, pointing to his head for some reason as if we couldn’t see he has a head. You’re not unique there, pal, most of us have heads, so he loses points for that aspect of it all.

Arseblog rating: 6.8/10

Cristiano Ronaldo v Sp*rs

On the plus side it was against Sp*rs, and that’s always a good thing.

On the other side, it was Ronaldo, and that’s never good. He did the stupid celebration, that’s even less good. And then you remember it was against Sp*rs and you think ‘You idiots. Everyone knows that when he gets the ball there, he’s going to twat it. Don’t give him the room to do that.’

As for the goalkeeping, I’ve seen quicker reaction times from roadkill. I recently saw a dead badger on the motorway and was astonished at what a big lump of an animal it was. I would not want to get on the wrong side of a badger, I can tell you that for free.

The dead badger could have moved quicker than Hugo Lloris, so in reality this was a very low quality goal beyond the initial hit, but then we’ve all seen that goal scored by some hungover lad playing Sunday League too, so bottom of the pile for me from all the contenders.

Arseblog rating: 2/10

Kai Havertz v Chelsea

His touch is excellent, the quickness of the finish is even better, but there’s a whiff of Timothee Chamolet off this bloke and I’m sorry, there’s just too much Timothee Chalamet in the world right now.

Whoever is in charge of brand Chalamet needs to wind it in a bit. Dune? It’s basically posh Tremors with excellent cinematography.

Arseblog rating: 6.9/10

Timothy Castagne v Brentford

I was like, who? It’s sort of like seeing the candidates for best actor at the Oscars and the cameras go to Robert de Niro, Al Pacino, Denzel Washington, Tom Hanks and then Arthur Flannel.

Decent hit, top corner, looks pretty good. Shouldn’t win any awards though. And I don’t think I’ll go see his new movie.

Arseblog rating: 7/10

Gabriel Martinelli v Watford

This goal has it all. Mikel Arteta’s quick thinking on the sideline. Bukayo Saka’s throw. One touch from Cedric to ensure he is close the action so he can be first to celebrate with the goalscorer. One delicious touch from Martin Odegaard. A perfect layoff from Alexandre Lacazette.

One emphatic finish from Gabriel Martinelli. One distraught goalkeeper flopping forward on his face. Ben Fozzy Fozcast thinking in his own brain, ‘You’ve seen that and done me up like fatted calf there mate, given me the eyes, ears, nose and throat and then stuck it postage stamp in the letter box of uncertainty and all my goalkeeping juice leaked out of my goalie-carton. Wicked to be fair, I didn’t like it, but I respect it.’

The young Brazilian is by some distance the winner of the Goal of the Month competition for me and I won’t hear another word about it.

Arseblog rating: 9.5/10

Right. That’s your lot for this morning. There’s a brand new Arsecast for you below, chatting to Adrian Clarke about Bukayo Saka, punditry and lots more, and Jon Spurling about his new book about 70s football (which you can also win!).

For some extra reading this morning, Tim’s column this week is about the growing connection between team and fans, evidenced in recent celebrations. Have a good one.

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