Saturday.
Morning all. I hope you’re all doing well. Remember, if you feel a bit poorly, there’s a simple solution. After injecting yourself with a combination of bleach, floor polish and methylated spirits – remember to get it right into the eyeball now – you simply make one of these wonderfully therapeutic cocktails.
Many scientificckers and drinkiologists say that cocktails are so great for healing. Just follow the recipe below.
The Covid Cleanser
– 1 bottle of vodka
– A pound of melted butter
– Three newt tails
– 3 gallons of seawater (refined)
– 8 drops of morning dew taken from a pristine lawn just after sunrise
– Mixed herbs like Marjoram, Iggipoppio, Pokemon root, gammonplop and Hazel bumberry
– An orphan
– Maraschino cherries, or some mud, depending on your palate
Simply put all the ingredients in your favourite cauldron, light a fire underneath, and dance around it cackling for a few hours until you have a wonderfully aromatic, bubbling liquid. Take a ladle and spoon into Julep Cups or pint glasses. Drink, and be well.
It’s delicious and organic! Also don’t forget to invite all your friends around too to play fun party games like ‘Manly handshakes’ and ‘Who is licking my face?’
Weekend fun for all the family.
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I know I did an ‘On this day’ earlier in the week, but on this very day in 2004, Arsenal went to White Hart Lane and won the Premier League (was it called the Premiership back then?!). Anyway, we won the league and it was both brilliant and hilarious.
In the third minute, the home side have a corner. The crowd are up for it. They want to stick to the old enemy, and set-pieces always give you a chance. The noise rises, the corner is taken … and 10 seconds later Patrick Vieira sticks the ball in the back of the net at other end after the most sublime break from our own box.
It’s one of those goals that sticks in my memory because of how incredibly easy they make it look. Thierry Henry takes the ball inside the D of our own area, drives past a Sp*rs player like he’s an irrelevance and moves down the left wing. He then plays a beautifully weighted pass into the path of Dennis Bergkamp who has sprinted ahead of him, and the Dutchman’s first time ball with his left foot finds Vieira, loping into the box with nobody near him. He adjusts the pace of his run to match the Bergkamp pass and sticks out a leg to put Arsenal 1-0 up.
The only sound you can hear is the away fans cheering because the rest of White Hart Lane is silent, apart from some swearing and muttering under their breaths, I’m sure.
Just after the half-hour mark it’s 2-0. Robert Pires (*swoon*), with a finish from a Vieira pass and someone does a celebratory ‘YARGH!’, immortalised on the footage.
Now, while it would have been lovely to win the league at White Hart Lane with a win, we know it didn’t happen like that. Jamie Redknapp scored a goal, and right at the death Sp*rs got a penalty which Robbie Keane scored to make it 2-2. Annoying – and certainly Jens Lehmann was absolutely fuming. He reportedly kicked the dressing room to bits in frustration before coming back out onto the pitch to celebrate the title.
However, the fact they scored, and some of their players thought they’d stopped us winning the league makes it even funnier. Thierry Henry recalled afterwards:
“I remember Tarrico, jumping around and he got a cramp out of it. Celebrating a draw! And I looked at him and said ‘Are you kidding me?’ And he went, ‘Yeeaaaaaaah!’ jumping in front of me.
“I said to him: ‘You do realise we just needed a point at your place to be champions at your place.’ And he was talking, talking, so I said ‘Watch me after the game.’
“I remember, people were saying do not celebrate. I said ‘WHAT?’ I will celebrate. And you will see how much it’s going to hurt them.
“I had to celebrate. They were coming up to me, jumping around like they had won something, so I said, ‘Ok. We were not supposed to celebrate, but now I’m going to celebrate with my fans!”
If there’s anything more hilarious than winning the title at their place, it’s the idea of one of their players giving themselves a cramp celebrating a thing which didn’t happen. Not to mention Robbie Keane’s pointless tumble of celebration after he scored. It was the equivalent of a bloke scuffing one in to give his side a consolation in a 10-1 defeat then running to celebrate gleefully in front of the away fans. The most pathetic acrobatics anyone has ever seen.
Yes, it was 16 years ago. Yes, that makes me feel old. Yes, it’s been too long since we won the league, but it’s impossible not to look back on this and enjoy it. Which is why I will leave you with the video below.
Have a great Saturday, don’t drink too many cocktails.
