Your exciting Boxing Day Premier League predictions

Hello everyone, whatever you did yesterday, I hope you had a lovely time. As yesterday was Christmas Day, there’s very little in the way of Arsenal news this morning, and that’s made even more acute by the fact that we don’t play again until Thursday evening when we visit Crystal Palace.

There is an almost full schedule of Premier League games today though, so in the absence of anything else, I’m going to do predictions for all of them. Sort of.

Sp*rs v Southampton

Ideal outcome: Southampton do to them what they did to us on this very day a few years ago. Shane Long will out-snide Dele Alli and get away with a painful nasty tackle on someone before scoring the first of their many goals. The Saints will be so good and the lead will be so big that in the 86th minute they bring on Matt le Tissier who juggles the ball over the entire Sp*rs midfield before rocketing into the top corner with a back heel before taking a mince pie from out of a pouch in his shorts and delicately eating it in celebration.

Likely outcome: Harry Kane will score lots of goals again.

Bournemouth v West Ham

Ideal outcome: I’m feeling a bit sorry for Eddie Howe now, so it’d be nice to see them win a game, score a few goals, get Arnautovic sent off etc.

Likely outcome: David Moyes will provide another 0-0 masterclass, then bemoan their lack of goals despite selecting 10 defenders. And a goalkeeper.

Chelsea v Brighton

Ideal outcome: I did not realise that former Arsenal player Steve Sidwell was playing for Brighton. Of course he’s a former Chelsea player too, so if anyone were to pop up with a winner today it should be him. Unfortunately, he hasn’t made a single appearance all season so I assume he’s injured and won’t play. In that case, I’d like Lewis Dunk to do the business as he’s my second favourite player named after something you do with a biscuit after Igor Munch.

Likely outcome: Chelsea will win.

Huddersfield Town v Stoke City

Ideal outcome: David Wagner’s side will play out of their skins, run rings around Shawcross and co, and win so convincingly that Mark Hughes tenure at the Ray Winstone Arena will finally come to a close.

Likely outcome: David Wagner’s side will play out of their skins, run rings around Shawcross and co, and win so convincingly that Mark Hughes tenure at the Ray Winstone Arena will finally come to a close and he will be replaced by Tony Pulis.

Man Utd v Burnley

Ideal outcome: United take an early lead through not at all flat track bully Lukaku. Then a Lindgard or a Young type will score again and then Burnley will have a man sent off before half-time. Mourinho responds by taking off all his forwards and replacing them with Blind, Herrera, and some gigantic man mountain of a centre-half he discovered in the youth system he never knew existed. Sean Dyche then masterminds the greatest comeback of all time and a Jeff Hendrick winner in the 9th minute of four minutes of injury times seals the win and enrages the United manager to the point where he can find no words and just lies on the ground pounding the dirt. He arrives for his post-match press conference in confrontational mood to find nobody has bothered to turn up. So dismayed at his increasing lack of relevance he goes home to his hotel suite, considers his life, chucks it all in, and moves to a small town by the seaside in rural Portugal where he opens a bar called “ME” and hopes to be able to pass the remainder of his life talking about himself to customers but nobody ever goes in because he’s such a tedious wanker.

Likely outcome: Lukaku hat-trick, Burnley’s slide down the table continues.

Watford v Leicester City

Ideal outcome: I couldn’t give a fish’s tit.

Likely outcome: Who cares?

West Brom v Everton

Ideal outcome: A Kieran Gibbs winner, blasting home from 30 yards – with the help of a tiny deflection off Wayne Rooney’s hair (if only he’d let himself go bald!) – is enough for West Brom to take all three points. At the final whistle Alan Pardew dances seductively in front of the Everton bench, leading Sam Allardyce’s assistant, Sammy Lee, to offer him out. As Pardew laughs at the idea of fighting the 4’3 former England international, Allardyce sucker punches him from behind. The West Brom manager, when he wakes up, vows never to dance in public again.

Likely outcome: 1-1. It will be quite boring indeed.

Liverpool v Swansea

Ideal outcome: Managerless Swansea, bottom of the Premier League and with just one win in their last 12 games, somehow get it together to take some points off a Liverpool side with whom we’re fighting for a top four spot. Lukasz Fabianski has one of those games where he looks like the best goalkeeper in the world, they somehow fluke a goal and hang on for a famous victory.

Likely outcome: Goals from Salah, Coutinho and Firmino put Liverpool 3-0 up in the opening six minutes. Liverpool miss fifty chances to score, including six penalties, a tap-in from eight inches before Saido Mane does a Ronnie Rosenthal. Twice. Then all of a sudden MIGNOLET LOVRENS a KLAVEN and it’s 3-3.

Some Arsenal tomorrow hopefully, in the meantime have a good one.