Sunday, September 24, 2023

EXCLUSIVE: Arsenal planning massive summer spending … no, honest, we swear

In news that will sooth the souls of all Arsenal fans worried that things appear to be rudderless right now, we can exclusively reveal the Gunners hierarchy have approved a £17 billion war-chest for beleaguered boss Arsene Wenger to revamp the club this summer in the transfer market because, as we know, the only way to make things better is to spend money on players.

The 67 year old, who will put pen to paper on a new twelve year deal as early as last Thursday week, will splash the cash with the approval of majority shareholder and generous benefactor Enos Stanley Pisswhistle Kroenke who is determined to see Arsenal compete for the biggest prizes in the game and not simply preside over a club failing to achieve what it should because nobody has the balls to make difficult decisions.

Already their sights have been set on some of the hottest talent in the Premier League and Europe, including:

Wilf Spunktrumpet: The 23 year old Macclesfield Town goalkeeper is seen as someone who can come in and finally add stability between the sticks. With David Ospina still neckless and Petr Cech not getting any younger, the Arsenal boss sees him as the perfect foil. Concerns that he is only 5’4 are assuaged by the fact he has a ‘tremendous leap’, and that will also be offset by the recruitment of Massimo Taibi as the new goalkeeping coach.

Yaya N’Golo-Alonso: The Gunners have long needed a midfield enforcer and the 25 year old (34-28-34) has been doing that job for Ligue 2 side FC Minable this season. A source told us ‘Arsenal haven’t really watched him play that much, but given that he’s named after three great midfielders that we nearly signed, he’s the perfect man for the job. What could go wrong?’

Hans Füße Ellenbogen: This 19 year old German central-defender is viewed by many throughout Europe as one one of the brightest defensive talents in Europe in all of Europe. He ticks the ‘wonderkid’ box and Wenger is determined to swoop to capture him having been on-alert to this precocious talent after watching him light up the Under 20 World Cup on Eurosport 3+1 just last night. Whether Arsenal will be prepared to match the valuation of Borussia Verlogen remains to be seen, but the Gunners will push hard to get their man as doubts over Gabriel, Shkodran Mustafi, and every other defender at the club continue.

Connor MacLeod: Despite talk of retaining the British core and players like Kieran Gibbs, Arsenal are in the market for a new left-back. Gibbs has started just three Premier League games this season and while Nacho Monreal has been a consistent performer it’s felt that this is an area that could be upgraded. The 20 year old Celtic full-back has been scouted numerous times by head-scout Bob Cataract, and could make the move down south. Other targets for this position include Spaniard Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez, Austrian international Victor Kruger, and left-field choice Lieutenant Frank Moran of the NYPD but in the end there can be only one.

Alexandre Huit-Pistes: Arsenal’s need for a World Class Striker has been a bone of contention among fans for many years now. Having seen the likes of Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp, Ian Wright, and Kaba Diawara bang on the goals down the years, the current crop have long disappointed, but now they appear to have finally found their man. He has scored a whopping 8 goals in Ligue Un this season, including 5 (five!) against 8 man Corsica United back in September. His lethal strike rate has convinced the board to sanction a World Record £206m bid to get a deal done early for the sake of convenience and not because they’re having trouble shifting season tickets or even selling their FA Cup semi-final allocation (which went to Red Members yesterday and are now being given away with every key-ring bought in the Armoury this week). He’s expected to join as early as next week.

It doesn’t stop there though, other massive improvements are being promised with high priority being given to the areas of scouting, fitness, coaching, defending, attacking, midfielding, character, spirit, stadium cleaning, improved cones for the training ground, more animated GIFs for the official website (Kroenke is a big fan of an ironic, rotating, early-90s ‘under construction’), and beyond.

Boardroom sources tell us the things they want to improve above all else are ‘results’ and ‘the fans’. It’s believed a significant proportion of the money available will be spent on ‘new fans’ who understand exactly what they’re trying to do because ‘as hard as we try, this lot just don’t seem to get it. It’s almost as if they think we don’t know what we’re doing at all.’

By ridding the stands of the ‘Negative Nellies’ the atmosphere, viewed as the key problem, will be improved and the players will feel more at home, less under pressure, and this will then allow them to ‘want it more’ than the opposition.

This top secret plan, known as the Catalystic Conversion’ – and communicated to fans via the Twitter account of a supporter’s group with a few hundred members – has been rubber-stamped at the highest levels in order to bring back the glory days, and the current scheme to lose as many games as possible so as not to have the distraction of European football next season is going perfectly.

Exciting times ahead for die-hard fans who are Arsenal till they die, but they don’t die easily because they are so literally die-hard. Meanwhile, the Gunners will be without Mesut Ozil and Alexis Sanchez for the trip to Boro on Monday. The German has got a tummy-ache, while Sanchez has been dropped after a training ground incident in which he showed some desire to win.

For more sensible discussion of what’s going on, check out this week’s Arsecast Extra. James and I pore over the Palace defeat, what it should mean, what it probably will mean, the state of play at the club at the moment and lots more. It’s genuinely cathartic, so have a listen below, subscribe, download, rate, review etc. More from me tomorrow.


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