“Look, I’m just saying, I’m fed up with him.”
“Come on Judas mate, he’s done amazing things for us. Remember when we were just 12 lads with no real purpose, hanging around and nobody thought we were cool?”
“Yeah, but-”
“No buts man. Now we’re cool. We’re somebodies. We’re The Disciples.”
“Sure, I get that, it doesn’t change anything for me though.”
“Really? Think of the branding opportunities here, dude. A whole range of The Disciples merchandise. Robes, robes with hoods, sandals, and I’m sure there’ll be other garments invented in time that we could stitch a logo onto and sell at the markets. We’re gonna make a fortune.”
“It’s not all about the money though. It’s about moving forward as an organisation and I don’t think we’re doing that any more.”
“I’ve got a mate Mark, he’s great with a slate and chalk. I reckon we get him in, sit him down, tell him the whole story, and he could write a book about us. We’d live on through the ages. Think about it, thousands of years from now people could be sitting in their homes with their families, perhaps eating some kind of confectionery that we don’t even know about, reading about us and our adventures.”
“You’re out of your mind, John. That’s never going to happen. Not with yer man still in charge.”
“What?”
“There, I said it. I’ve been thinking this for ages now, but old JC has lost the plot.”
“Are you crazy? You know the score. He’s CONNECTED man. Don’t say shit like that out loud.”
“I’m doing it. I’ve had enough.”
“Mate, think about all the things he’s done for us.”
“Quit living in the past, John.”
“I’m not! All those miracles, like healing the sick?”
“Ages ago.”
“Walking on water.”
“Yeah, he was the first to walk on water, but now everyone can walk on water and some are doing it even better.”
“The loaves and fishes. There were hardly any, and then there were loads of them. Everyone had a right good feast.”
“Again, that happened so long ago, and nowadays there are others who can substantiate bread and seafood with the benefit of in-depth statistical analysis.”
“What are you on about?”
“I want to know about Expected Loaves. Expected fishes. Or should I say ExpL and ExpF. It’s all outdated from him these days. He doesn’t understand how to be a modern messiah.”
“Ok, well you saw the leper, he was all lepery and then he came along and unlepered him. You can’t argue against that.”
“Piffle. If he really wanted to cure lepers he could bring back Richard the Keymaker and Andrew the Grey from their exile in the desert. Then I’d be impressed.”
“I can’t believe this. You’re dead set against him.”
“You’re damn right, I am. Look at this.”
*Judas unfurls a length of cloth on which he has hand-painted a slogan suggesting Jesus’s best days are behind him and he should take his leave*
“Oh no you didn’t!”
“Oh yes I did. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to go see a man about a dog. Definitely not to get thirty pieces of silver from someone or anything. Later, J-train.”
THREE DAYS LATER.
“Well, I hope you’re happy with yourself now, Judas.”
“Sorry John, but it had to be done.”
“Ok, there’s making a change and then there’s having him brutally tortured and crucified for hours on a cross. You don’t think it went a bit far?”
“It was maybe a little grim, but it had to happen for the sake of the organisation. Now we can move on into the modern era and really build this brand into something special.”
*There’s a knock on the door. John answers. Sees Jesus standing there right as rain*
“All right fellas, that was a lovely kip I just had. How’s it going there Judas, lad? Any sheets with you today?!”
“OH FFS!”
—
Happy Easter everyone. Till tomorrow.
