Good morning and welcome to a brand new year.
Can you believe it’s 2053 already? It seems like it was just 2014 yesterday. Time flies, eh? Anyway, here we are well into the future and we’ve got a game today and the manager, Artificially Kept Alive Head of Arsene Wenger, has got to get his team together for a tricky trip to Southampton Cavaliers.
Obviously the journey is made difficult since the Battle of Winchester in 2019 when humans battled robots and the bloke who does the voice-overs for Sky Sports for supremacy over those lands and, sadly, the outcome for mankind was not good.
Now, when you venture anywhere near that area there’s a loud, overly earnest voice telling you what you can and can’t do:
THIS WEEKEND IS MATING WITH YOUR PARTNER WEEKEND
or
REMEMBER: FIRE YOUR ROCKETS ACROSS THE CHANNEL AT THE MEGAFROGS
or
THIS SUPER SUNDAY EACH FAMILY MUST BRING ONE INFANT TO BE SACRIFICED FOR THE CAUSE OF MARTUNTYLUR
It’s basically a no-go area but with what happened to the motorways and the skies full of Robbie Savage’s analprobe-drones, we have no choice but to brave the through road that brings us to the south coast. Remember when Prime Minister Walcott tried to broker that peace deal and people thought he was mad but actually sitting down with them brought us closer together until that lone wolf Charlie Adam strangled him to death? That’s what we’ve got to remember today.
The important thing is that we all think of ways in which Charlie Adams gang, his so-called family, can be rid from the world. Yes, I know I’m taking a huge risk even saying it out loud, let alone putting into print on a blog (which were outlawed in 2029 by the Murdoch Edict), but sometimes you have to rise above and put the greater good to the forefront.
But look, somebody has to stand up to their ways. A poor old lady just last week was going to the shops with her old lady trolley, ready to pick up her weekly allowance of potatoes, turnips, carbolic soap and Curly-Wurlies, when out of the blue some of Adams gang just two-footed tackled her to the ground and, after distracting the nearby Blonde-Mane Apparatchik, gave her Chinese Burns which saw her hospitalised and the doctors just don’t think she’s going to survive.
It’s a lawless wilderness out there so hopefully we can get through the blockades without incident. We all remember the tragic scenes a few years back when ram-raiders and desert folk intercepted the Arsenal bus on their way to the game against the Guernsey Warriors and nobody needs a repeat of that mayhem. Nobody.
The pictures of the destruction broadcast live on Sky War News were a shocking indictment on the human race. Have we gone too far? Yes, yes we have and if there was a way to stop Grandma Burley and her evil ways I would do it but she seems cockroachian indestructible right now.
As for the team we’re visiting, it’s safe to say there’s no love lost between the two managers. Robo-Mourinho somehow survived the nuclear destruction of West London when those bombs were designed to take him out once and for all. I know he’s been painted in history as something of a monster, but when President Zelalem launched the full fury of the United States of America and Cuba on him I, for one, cheered.
For too long his reign of terror had subjugated the people in that region. Irish comedians were forced to re-locate as far north as Camden Town in the great exodus, and his squaddies patrolled the region with total menace, punishing those who refused to dive at every opportunity. I lost too many friends, good men who simply would not throw themselves to the ground for no reason at all, for this game today to be anything less than personal.
In terms of our team, even with the medical advances we’re used to today, we’re without so many players it’s going to be tough. Thankfully Mathieu Flamini has passed a fitness test and can take his place in the centre of midfield but aside from that it’s going to be a real challenge (especially as we had been assured Mikel Arteta would be back in time for this one).
Let’s keep fingers crossed we can get the win and bring the 8 points back to the MCFLY ARENA. After the recent draw with Tottenham Marshes we need to get ourselves going again, particularly after so many of our fans contracted Hyper-Plague after braving the elements at the Archway Sheet Metal Stadium.
Let’s do it for them today.
