Match report – By the numbers – Player ratings – Video
After a season in which most games have been a struggle, in one way or another, I could get very used to occasions last night when the opposition turned up, but only physically. And even then, just barely.
It was apparent from the start that Newcastle were there to go through the motions, and that’s about it. When we had the ball, they sat behind it, and when they had the ball, they attacked with all the verve and ambition of dismembered sloth. It meant that all we had to do was keep patient, keep pressing and not do anything stupid.
Newcastle’s commitment to playing deep lasted until about the 11th minute when Cazorla fed Ozil down the right and the right full was nowhere to be seen (I think he might have been on his phone making plans for his summer holidays). That move didn’t amount to anything, but when Giroud was hauled down a distance from goal the referee awarded a free kick.
Cazorla whipped it in. The Newcastle players –now in discussion with the right back as to whether they should go on a package holiday where they could share an apartment and drink loads of Afterschock before Snapchatting pictures of their mickeys to girls they might meet in a nightclub – totally ignored the ball and Laurent Koscielny, allowing the defender poked it home from close range to make it 1-0. Bizarrely, he was booked for booting the ball away in celebration – which is rather ironic as Mr Swarbrick should have yellowed carded every Newcastle player for wasting their own time by being there in the first place.
The only player who had his mind on the game was Tim Krul, and he had to make a series of saves. Podolski almost made it 2-0 with a thumping header from a corner as two Newcastle defenders downloaded Snapchat onto their phones while another gave them a tutorial, while at the other end Szczesny saw a 35 yard effort from Tiote all the way and saved easily from football’s equivalent of a bloke who can give a fairground punchbag a mighty thump and then thinks he’s ready to fight for the world title.
Another Arsenal goal was inevitable, but when it came we made hard work of it. Arteta spotted Giroud’s good run and played the ball over the top. The Frenchman turned into the area and all he had to do was square for Mesut Ozil and the German would have had a tap-in. Instead, he took a shot from close range which Krul saved. It rebounded to him, so from even closer range he took another shot – this time trying to blast the ball through the keeper’s stomach and out the other side – but again the Dutchman was equal to it. Unfortunately for him it ended up at the feet of a very offside Ozil who casually sidef-ooted home with his right foot.
Giroud came over to celebrate and Ozil was all ‘Dude, you should have just passed it. I’ve passed it for you before, you glory boy. Sort your self out or else’ (guessing, but that’s what I would have said).
So it was 2-0 at the break – although not before Krul denied Cazorla with another good save – and in the second half both teams knew it was over. Newcastle pretended to care for a few seconds when Gouffran went clean through on goal but his shot showed he was thinking about a late night foam party with the lads before they wake up the next day feeling proper shite and ewwww, Steven Taylor’s cacked his own bed the filthy bastard.
Ozil, showing he’s not a man to hold grudges, then set up the third for Giroud. He took Ramsey’s clever reverse pass, looked up, and fired in a cross which the Frenchman headed in emphatically from close range. 3-0 and that was game well and truly over. Arsene sent on Rosicky and Flamini for Ramsey and Ozil, before giving Yaya Sanogo a few minutes at the end in place of Giroud. I was hoping he’d score from a nice Rosicky pass, but he was marginally offside and the linesman, who didn’t manage to spot a most offside indeed Ozil in the first half, raised his flag.
Ah well.
Afterwards, Arsene said:
It is a step forward but we need to make another one because we have another home game. It is another opportunity to win again. What is important is to focus on our performance. Game-by-game, they look strong and convincing now.
And had praise for Ozil and Ramsey:
I think they make a difference, but at the same period we had Walcott, Wilshere, Ozil, Ramsey and Koscielny all out. Of course you can sometimes miss one or two, but four or five? Every team feels that.
It means that we’re now four points clear of Everton with just two games to go. The top four place could be clinched on Sunday, but if Man City go to Goodison and win on Saturday evening, then it’ll be done and dusted before we even face West Brom. In which case the manager can play a starting XI of Viviano – Jenkinson – Vermaelen – Hoogendijk – Umbrella – Plant Pot – Barnacle – Akers – Some mud – Dried cat sick – Inanimate Carbon Rod.
It’s hard not to look at the table this morning and wonder. Just seven points off top with two games to go, which considering how completely shit we are (I heard this mentioned on the Internet so it must be true), isn’t bad. Even if you keep the spankings and the paddlings against City, Liverpool and Chelsea, and the game at Goodison, if you think about that Deulofeu goal for Everton at the Emirates, Stoke away, United at home, and Swansea at home – games in which we dropped points we really shouldn’t have – it could have been so different. Still, water under the bridge now, I guess.
Anyway, we did what we had to do last night. Newcastle didn’t care, we might have added a nail or two to Pardew’s coffin, so there’s something else to enjoy. A few days rest now, then West Brom on Sunday.
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Finally for today, as we didn’t have one yesterday, we’ll be recording the Arsecast Extra this morning. If you’ve got any questions for James and I, send them to @gunnerblog and @arseblog on Twitter with the hashtag #arsecastextra. It should be ready for you around lunchtime.
Until then.
Oh, and Happy St Totteringham’s Day – that’s a nicely rounded Paul Hardcastle, eh?
