Sunday round-up

Firstly, *boilk*

Secondly, there was a bloke in the bar we were in last night who looked exactly like the villain from every film ever but most especially like the other bloke from the Karate Kid who kicked his legs that time. He was tall and overly blond with his shirt open too much and he laughed exaggeratedly.

“Ahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa,” he would go at regular intervals. Most disturbingly of all when he appeared to have nobody around him. Who or what was he laughing at? I came to the conclusion that it was his own nefarious plan that amused him so much, therefore I was quite thankful to see him leave, figuring he’d be carrying it out elsewhere.

Or maybe it was a timed device which went off after we had left. Or perhaps he’s not that villainous at all and I was merely projecting a character onto him, due to his look. Either way he was a bit of a looper laughing like that.

Perhaps he had read a story about Robin van Persie agreeing a contract with Man City in a newspaper owned by Man City’s owners, planted there by an agent named in the story itself. It would appear to me that laughing out loud, even making yourself look like a total mentalist in the process, is the only sane reaction to that kind of transparent bollocks. And that really is as much as I have to say about that.

From inside the camp there are healthy noises emerging. Firstly from Thomas Vermaelen, who says that in the push for a top four finish the team will take a lot of confidence from the last three wins over Liverpool, AC Milan and a now nervous, jelly-bellied, looking over their shoulder, Sp*rs:

Of course, a club like Arsenal belongs in the Champions League and we will try to achieve that for the Club, for the fans, for ourselves, for everybody. If we play the way we did in that first half on Tuesday then I am not worried about it at all.

While Alex Song says:

There is still all to play for and anything can happen. We have a big game against Newcastle, and we know they are also in the fight for fourth place.

If we win that, and open up a bit more space between ourselves and the other challengers, then we will be in a good position.

While Vermaelen sums it all up:

You can see that if we fight hard then we have a lot of qualities. If we put the effort in then you can see what we are capable of.

As an ancient philosopher once said, “Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes.” So true, so very true. Yet we cannot use words to beat Newcastle. They will not be damaged by our lyrical prowess regardless of how cutting our rhymes are. We must wound them with our football, and if the words exist for anything, it is as a reminder of what we have to do, that there are still plenty of points to play for and we’ve got to turn up in each game.

We can look ahead properly to the Newcastle game tomorrow, but Alan Pardew, a man who if he were an actor would have been typecast as ‘creepy uncle’ from the off, says of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, “I had him at Southampton.”

I know, he was manager there and all that, but ewww.

Meanwhile, Lukasz Podolski has clearly been on the phone to Arsene Wenger. He told Sky Sports Germany:

Contrary to reports from the past few days, nothing has been decided yet. If there is something to report, then I’ll do it.

I can just hear him, “If I sign anywhere, I will tell you.” I actually can’t hear him at all because I have no idea what he sounds like. And on that note, is it just me or do we have a dearth of footballers with comedy voices? I mean, there are so many of them out there yet none of them sound utterly ridiculous (except when they speak and use words and that). Where is the bloke who sounds like his voice has never broken (this era’s Robbie Savage, if you will)? Why do none of them laugh like Dr Hibbert?

These are the things that keep me awake at night, you know. Finally for today, some transfer guff. The Sunday Mirror says we’re after Ajax’s Jan Vertonghen, he’s a BFB and therefore well known to Thomas Vermaelen, while also in the Sunday Mirror Marco van Basten says Arsenal need to buy four players to keep van Persie and also says:

Arsenal have a few guys behind the scenes who really do want to spend big money on players. So far the club have not wanted to give in to these guys.

Interesting – *rubs chin in a manner which suggests writer would like to know more about this curious, behind-the-scenes, cabal*

Whoever these brave souls are, these tireless campaigners for the club to finally use the Scrooge McDuck-esque mountain of gold coins, emeralds and rubies we have locked away in a vault underneath the stadium, I, and I think every other Arsenal fan in the world, is/are fully behind you.

Having watched Liverpool yesterday I can see now that spending massive wads of cash on players is the path to true success and enlightenment. I kid, I kid, much of what van Basten says makes a lot of sense but then it’s not that much different to what any well versed Gooner has been saying either.

Right, well that’s really about that. I must tend to my hangover and then roast the fucking shit out of a shoulder of pork.

Till tomorrow.


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