Morning all. Weekends are too short, aren’t they?
Still, at least we’ll start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel this week. At the moment it’s pitch black and scary but soon we’ll see that tiny dot and we’ll all go into the light and then football will return. There’s little to amuse us this morning either, really, apart from a few quotes from Cesc about Robin van Persie’s situation.
Basically, he says Robin is ace and that Arsenal can’t afford to lose him, but if Robin does want to play for another club then this is more or less his last chance to do that, given his age etc. As you might imagine there’s something of a variety pack out there in terms of how all this is being reported. A quick look at NewsNow shows you what’s on offer:
As you can see he must stay and he must go. Perhaps, by staying and going simultaneously van Persie might create some kind implosion in the universe, opening up vortexes and wormholes to other dimensions. Who knows what magical lands might be opened up to us? Or, indeed, what monstrous beasts might flock to our world to plunder and pillage.
Yet this is exactly what the media wants. They’re bored of reality TV shows, natural disasters, economic crises, banking disasters and the rest. Can you imagine the Daily Mail if these creatures from other dimensions decided to settle in our world? These ‘Super Immigrants’ would provide them with so much material they could run a 200 page issue every day. ‘MONSTROUS OTHER WORLD BEASTS FEAST ON REMEMBRANCE DAY POPPIES’.
You see, for years and years, the print media has ruled the world, influenced opinion, guided people’s thoughts, essentially telling them what to think and how to think it. Now, with the rise of the Internet they’re losing their grip and this savage strategy, cooked up while everyone’s handily looking at James Murdoch and therefore distracted from the real issue, is designed simply so they can reassert control. The classic mega-duality theory causing a spacetime interval which will rip a great hole in the very fabric of our universe.
And if you think I’m simply making this up because there’s nothing else to talk about, answer me this: Why did the Daily Express and the Daily Star, owned by the very same people, run with two such conflicting headlines? It’s pretty obvious, and when you consider that Richard Desmond is a 34% shareholder in the Large Hadron Collider it all starts to make perfect sense. Create the wormhole, then use a hi-tech particle accelerator to blast apart physics as we know it.
You can be sure they’ll be employing people to work at the very spot these creatures from the other world come into ours. Like the people who give out freesheets every morning to commuters they’ll be there, handing out their copies of their papers to shape the new arrivals’ opinion. Soon the new arrivals will start to resent the newer arrivals who won’t understand the difficulties the first wave had to go through to become integrated into earthen society.
And all because of one Dutch footballer whose contract situation is slightly precarious. It’s such a fine balancing act, isn’t it? How delicate our very existence is. Anyway, I was more shocked that none of them picked up on this quote from Cesc:
Hopefully he’ll be fit for the whole season. Unfortunately when I was there, he never enjoyed a whole season.
What’s wrong with them? How did they miss such an opportunity? I was fully expecting to see:
FABREGAS BLASTS PERMACROCK VAN PERSIE
Former Arsenal star Cesc Fabregas (24), blasted current captain Robin van Persie for being injured all the time. Fabregas left Arsenal for his home-town club Barcelona this summer but suggested he might have stayed if van Persie hadn’t spent so much time in the treatment room.
“When I was there, he never enjoyed a whole season”, he said, “it was one of the things I regret a little bit”.
Arsenal haven’t won a trophy since 2005 and blew their chance last season when losing to minnows Birmingham in the Carling Cup final, a game in which van Persie scored then went off injured. Clearly Fabregas (still 24) had enough of van Persie’s brittle boned antics and forced his way out of the Gunners this summer.
etc
Amateurs. You can’t let a juicy one like that go. Too focused on opening up that vortex to other dimensions, you see. Took their eye completely off the ball. Still, we’re here to mop up and make things right. I suspect they’ll be after me, however, for revealing their secrets. Might need to up security around the place.
Other than that not much happening so as a way of providing you with some Interlull relief, how about a competition? Up for grabs – 5 books from my old friend at GCR Books. The prize is any 5 books from the following: The Arsenal Stadium Mystery – Forward, Arsenal! – Football Ambassador – Herbert Chapman on Football – Cliff Bastin Remembers – Billy Gooner’s First Match – Over the Bar – Arsenal Football Club.
To enter, simply email [email protected] and answer the following question: ‘Over the bar’ features the memories of which former Arsenal keeper? Have a dig around on the GCR site if you don’t already know. Closing date, tomorrow night midnight, winners announced Wednesday morning.
Update: competition clarification, 5 winners get a book each, rather than one winner getting 5 books. Apologies for any confusion which was entirely down to me being dozy.
Right, that’ll do – tomorrow I’ll expose the cosy cartel at the heart of English football whose sole aim is to sell satellite TV subscriptions. What?
Oh.
