INT – ARSENE WENGER’S OFFICE. ARSENAL TRAINING GROUND. THE PHONE RINGS. WE HEAR A VOICE ON THE OTHER END.
“Hello Arsene.”
“Who is this?”
“It’s Jose.”
“Jose Feliciano, the Puerto Rican singer and virtuoso guitarist?”
“No, silly. It’s Jose Mourinho, World’s greatest football manager and ridiculously attractive man.”
“I see. And how can I help you today, Jose?”
“I have a proposal.”
“You do?”
“Indeed I do.”
“Does it involve you engaging in acts of vicious self-harm before setting fire to yourself? Because if it doesn’t I’m really not that interested.”
“Oh you. Still not over that voyeur thing, eh? Look, that was a long time ago. Let’s move on and just accept the fact that if I was wrong it was your fault anyway. My omniscience demands that be true.”
“It’s not so much the voyeur thing. It’s really just that you’re a terrible, terrible person with absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever. You’re like that monkey when you go to the zoo who goes around pissing in the other monkeys mouths. People find it entertaining at first but then they stop and think, ‘Damn, that monkey is a complete asshole’.”
“That stings, Arsene, old pal, but I’ve learned to take the barbs and insults. You see, I have found solace in the music of Stefani Germanotta.”
“Who?”
“You might know her better as Lady Gaga. In fact-”
“Never heard of her.”
“Yeah, well, whatever. Like her I was born this way.”
“With a gee?”
“No. NO! Different from all the others. I wear the metophorical coat of meat when I manage my football team because I dare to challenge the conventional, the staid, the tired old routines. That’s why they love me.”
“That’s probably why so many of them would like you to engage in acts of vicious self-harm before setting fire to yourself too.”
“Look, I know I’m going to get nowhere with you. I figured you’d be like this. All the same I have something to ask you.”
“Is that right? Well, I’ve heard on the grapevine what it might be. ”
“Have you?”
“Yes, yes I have. The football world is a small one. And I must say I won’t discuss it with you unless you get on Skype and turn your webcam on.”
“You want to watch me! I knew I had you right.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Joe.”
“Jose.”
“Joe. Jose. All the same to me.”
“So why do you want me on Skype. You’re like all the others, aren’t you? You can’t get enough of my rugged handsomeness. My dusky visage excites you, doesn’t it? The perfect symmetry of my face stirs things in you that you can’t even admit to yourself. The great Arsene Wenger, the haughtiest of all Frenchman, has got the hots for Ho-say, oh yeah! That’s why you want me on Skype, isn’t it? Admit it!”
“No. It’s so I can laugh in your face when you make the enquiry about Wilshere.”
” … you’re mean.”
“And you, sir, are a crashing bore. Good day to you.”
WENGER HANGS UP. PRESSES INTERCOM ON HIS DESK AND SPEAKS WHILE TRYING NOT TO LAUGH
“Hey Pat, you’ll never guess who I’ve just had on the phone …”
FADE TO BLACK
Context, if you need it.
—
In other news as this interminable Interlull heads towards its conclusion, Lukasz Fabianski says he wants to go out on loan so he can play and try and force his way into the Polish team for Euro 2012. Which I understand, in a way, but in another way I’m rather opposed to anything that would bring Manuel Almunia closer to the first team. I know the Spaniard did ok for West Ham on loan but his Arsenal ship is one that has sailed long, long ago and it would be a retrograde step if he were to return (due to injury etc).
Not that I don’t think he could do a job but the first law of Almunia is that the velocity of his body remains constant unless the body is being borne down on by attackers, in which case the body comes hurtling outside of its area before leaping into the air in a quite useless fashion. It’s tough on Fabianski but c’est la vie, I’m afraid. He’s only going to get into the Polish side if Szczesny gets injured anyway so he’s as well staying at Arsenal.
Elswhere, Arsene talks about how our play in recent times has been more ‘controlled’ which has led to the overall improvement in results. A fair point, I think. I have mentioned how much more disciplined Arteta has been, in terms of linking the defensive and attacking side of our midfield, and obviously that’s been a managerial directive which has paid dividends. There seems to be a more collective awareness defensively too, which is obviously good to see.
So, tonight sees the final round of international games of 2011 take place. Tomorrow the players return – and I’m keeping fingers crossed they all come back in one piece and that the piece doesn’t have any strains, aches, tears, rips, breaks or bits that have been crushed by heavy machinery (hey, you never know).
And at that point we can start looking forward to real football again. Hurrah. Don’t forget the competition to win books on yesterday’s blog, you have till midnight tonight to get your answer in. And it won’t be the last competition of the week either.
Till tomorrow.
