Subject: RICHES AWAIT!
My name is Mr. Pepploe G’uardio’la, I work in a managerial position in a well respected company, with a head office in Barcelona. I am contacting you because of an urgent business transaction that I want to do with a trusted foreigner. I got your email information through the Barcelona’s Chamber of Commerce though I have not disclosed this deal to anybody.
In September 2003, the sum of £50,500,300 was stolen from the company where I work , disguised as a football player. This is not the only time this corrupt sporting organisation uses the services of my company to ship their ill gotten wealth abroad or secure it for future use. I am looking for your help to get it back.
I will share with you the reward of this £50,500,300 and the beauty of this deal is that we will offer them £26,000,000 in exchange for this £50,500,300. That means a profit of many millions which will be shared on a 60-40 basis.
Unfortunately at the moment all my funds are tied up in Chilean stocks so I need some liquidity to make this deal happen. If you can see your way to making an up-front payment to help us get this money back then I will surely share with you all the riches of this pile of money when we regain it from the filthy stealer thieves who took it in the first place. They even say that they did it legallifically.
I despair but I am sure we will make a beautiful partnership, so please at once send me your bank account information, credit card number, social security information and a cheque for everything you have and our world will be right again.
My best regards and may the blessings of Jordi Chocopoo, the saint of Catalunya, go with you.
Mr. Pepploe G’uardio’la
I get the sense Barcelona are becoming increasing desperate, if the email I just received tells us anything at all. Yesterday Pep spoke, and as much as admitted that while they want Cesc the priority this summer is to sign a striker.
That Arsenal’s willingness to discuss a deal was so newsworthy yesterday was, frankly, pathetic. It’s been common knowledge for some time that should the right deal be on offer then Arsenal would listen, but it was as if Guardiola had made some kind of startling revelation. Not so. And what is the point of ‘fighting’ till the end of August?
It has always been up to them to pay what Arsenal want. They have, time and time again, refused to do that. So if they really want to fight until the end of August, let’s actually fight them. Round the back of the bike sheds, fists and no flick knives, because it cannot go on that long. It’s out of the question and Arsenal have, apparently, given them a 10 day deadline. Too long, in my opinion. If they have the money, and want to spend it, let’s see it. If not, they really ought to be told to fuck off. Not politely either.
The Mirror reports a Barcelona delegation will arrive in London today to discuss things with Arsenal. There’s probably one club official and 87 youth team players who will dress up as homeless urchins to beg for money outside train stations so they can afford the fee. Whatever happens there’s simply no getting away from the fact that the one of the biggest football clubs in Europe, while undoubtedly the best team, have been a pack of small-time, sub-par Apprentice wannabe cunts when it comes doing business.
Frankly, I hope the Barcelona delegation arrive today, are shown into a nice conference room, given a tray of coffee and biscuits (bourbon creams, some lemon puffs and a couple of stale garibaldis), then left there for the whole fucking day with nobody coming anywhere near them. It’s the least they deserve.
Elsewhere, the signing of Joel Campbell is off after he behaved more like Naomi Campbell. He failed to turn up for a meeting with Dick Law, Arsenal took that as it was meant and withdrew from any possible deal. And rightly so. If a no-mark kid with no standing in the game behaves like that at his age, imagine what kind of a cunt he’d be if he developed into a decent player with us. Sometimes it’s best when a player reveals their true character early. Bullet dodged. Probably. And I’m not going to shed any tears over not signing someone I hadn’t heard of until a few days ago.
Kyle Bartley says he can offer Arsene Wenger ‘something different’ in the centre of the defence. He feels he’s ready for first team football with us after a spell on loan at Rangers last season, but as so often happens in football timing is not on his side. Realistically, the best he can hope for this season is being fifth choice and getting some chances in the Carling Cup, or perhaps being more involved due to injuries.
Arsenal still need a centre-half – that means one of the existing centre-halves has got to go, and it’s simply too big a risk for Wenger to replace that player (who I would assume is Squilvestre), with an inexperienced youngster. He might well fit the bill in terms of his size and physicality but the manager would be on a hiding to nothing if we shipped goals because a young guy who is still learning the game makes the inevitable mistakes that young guys still learning the game make. At the back, and at this level, mistakes generally lead to goals and Bartley is unfortunate that the timing is against him.
However, that’s football. We’ll have to wait and see what happens – I think he’s another with just a year left on his contract, like Lansbury – so his future at the club will probably be dictated by what goes down this summer. Unless he’s happy to sit and see if chances come around I suspect he’ll be off on loan somewhere.
Right, better get those biscuits ready for Barcelona, they won’t stale up themselves. Hasta mañana, rubbish negotiators.