Sunday, September 24, 2023

Bring me the head of Joey Barton

Last night, as I walked through the not so mean streets of Dublin with the Mugsmasher, football did not enter the conversation once.

Well, real football did. The kind we play, but not this artificial playground stuff that we get on our tellies. At no point did we discuss his team’s fantastic new blue tinted away kit – which will no doubt draw Vancouverian riots – or Arsenal’s problems, most obvious of which is our lack of players who can put out a cigar in somebody’s eye. Clearly we would have been more successful if we had such a player.

Carling Cup final, it’s 1-1, heading for extra time, the ball drops between Koscielny and SZCZ, they contrive to bollocks it up, Obafemi Martins is about to slot the winner home when all of a sudden, as if from nowhere, an Arsenal player arrives with a beautifully smouldering ‘Hecho en Cuba’, blinds the 56 year old Martins in his right eye, and as he lies screaming with eye goo dripping down his face launches a counter-attack which sees Nicklas Bendnter, the greatest striker that ever lived, slam home the winning goal from just outside the box.

Arsenal fans are happy, delirious. The trophy drought over.

“There’s only Cuban cigar, one Cuban ciiiiiiiiiiigar …”, they sing, unwilling to annunciate the name of the player involved but the player knows they really mean him. It doesn’t matter once the team has won. He puts down his knuckle duster and the filleting knife he carries in his sock, and joins the celebrations. Later, after the best part of 6 bottles of Aspi Spumante, he gets into his car and drives towards home, mowing down only three pedestrians and causing the deaths of a bus full of cancer-filled orphans as they make their way to intensive chemotherapy.

So on that basis I can see why Arsene is interested in signing Joey Barton. It makes perfect sense to me. When you’re ‘too nice’, like we are, you have two options. One is to sign a number of players who add a bit of aggression to your team, helping solidify you. The other is to bring in a man that Charles Manson would back slowly away from before hiding behind Chopper.

Do you want to try and make it so Arsenal don’t like it up ’em anymore? Go on then. And you’ll wake up being given a baseball bat enema. A bit too elbowy and shouldery at a corner? The only reasonable response is to set fire to you. On the pitch. Especially if you’re Stewart Downing. And especially if Stewart Downing is on the same team as you. Win a tackle? Slit your throat. Have the temerity to score. Injected with syphilis. Simple.

And they say Arsene doesn’t know any more? He knows all right. Knows like a fox.

Meanwhile, Chairman PHW has confirmed Barcelona have made contact about Cesc, saying:

Yes, they have spoken to us about Cesc. They have been in touch. But so far they have not made a bid and we do not want to let him go. But he comes from Barcelona so it is understandable if he wanted to go back. However, they have not made an offer so far.

So why are they getting in touch? To ask how he likes his eggs in the morning? Frankly, if I were on the Arsenal board, and I think it’s fairly obvious that I should be, I’d have been on the phone all “Hombre, dondé esta el dinero? Si no tieneis dinero you can cock off” (because I don’t know how to say cock off in Spanish), and they’d be all like ‘Que?’ and I’d be like ‘You heard me futhermuckers’ and then I’d hang up. And put out a cigar in the eye on a passing member of staff and we’d laugh heartily together for that would be the Arsenal way.

Leaving aside the human element of things, I’d also be sorely tempted to agree to whatever they said.

“€30m, you say? Seems a bit pricy to me, how about €20m?”


“Yeah, seriously. No bother, you’re good blokes. I like you, I’ll do you a favour this time. Don’t tell anyone though”.

Then when they went back and told El Mundo and Sport what they’d done, so they could run hugely smug and triumphant stories, I’d disappear Cesc like a common Shergar. Haha, imagine what twats they’d look then. That’s how football clubs should be run, you know.

Manchester City are interested in Samir Nasri apparently, after it ’emerged’ he hasn’t signed a new deal yet. That’s what happens when contract information becomes available all of a sudden instead of being in the public domain for months and months and months. How shoddy we are.

Despite some reports a few weeks back saying Arsenal’s chief scout Steve Rowley had resisted Chelsea’s filthy lucre, the Daily Mail runs with the story again. Hey, if he wants to go and earn six times his wages somewhere else, who are we to stand in his way? The Shergar solution the obvious one here, Arsene, but I don’t think you even need to be told.

Blackburn’s owner on Samba:

We don’t want to let Chris go. I’m confident that we can keep him and I hope he’ll stay. I know he has an ambition to play for Arsenal but I hope we can keep him for another year at least and prove our own ambition.

As much as I want to see our defensive options more optiony and somewhat more physical, I don’t think I’d be too upset if Samba stayed at Blackburn (not until he scored the last minute winner against us … from a corner etc etc). I know he’s very tall and that he could probably do a job but you know, meh. Meh, I say.

And on that note I leave you for today, bacon calls.

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