Wednesday, February 28, 2024

Time for your medicine, sir. No side effects, honest.

Shocking stuff to begin with this morning! Paul Merson is on the back of The Sun.

Paul Merson's yellow liquid

Might I be so bold as to venture that the club were injecting him with his own recycled piss, such was its combination of nutrients and boozeohol that down the years it had developed into a kind of elixir? They first tested it on Merson and were pleasantly surprised to discover it had a positive effect. Sadly they then tried it on Paolo Vernazza and I don’t think you need me to tell you it all went wrong.

Anyway, this is total storm in a teacup stuff. This story, such as it is, was in Merse’s latest biography, the one in which he talks about his great addictions: drink, drugs and wanking. No, seriously. And get this. He calls wanking ‘waxing the dolphin’. Dolphins, or Water Sheringhams as they’re better known, are total cunts. The idea of Paul Merson spending his downtime rubbing his little Water Sheringham is a most disconcerting one, I have to tell you.

Water Sheringhams are the Phil Collins of the sea. Baldy fuckers who go around all the time making an irritating high pitched noise. There’s no call for one of those to be in your underpants, no matter how bored you are on international duty. And the fact that we’re talking about it here, now, is a clear indication that there’s not much going on in the way of Arsenal news.

It’s all transfer speculation, mostly, with the Mirror suggesting Bayern Munich are after Bacary Sagna. Now, I realise the futures of many our players are up in the air at the moment, but Sagna is one of the untransferable ones, in my opinion. He’s not flawless by any means but if there’s a stronger, more committed, more athletic right full in the Premier League I don’t know who it is. He can run and run all day, he gets up and down the right hand side non-stop and he’s a good defender too. He has to stay.

Ok, so he uses more exclamation marks than he should on Twitter but even in this flip-floppy, fickle football world that’s no reason to sell him.

Meanwhile, Sky Sports link us with Malaga’s Venezuelan forward, Salomon Rondon. I have to admit I don’t know the first thing about him, other than he’s Venezuelan and plays for Malaga. He seems to have had a decent enough season, scoring 12 goals, but I can’t help but get a whiff of The Beast off this one. We might sign him, he might be a big success, or he might bemoan English football for the lack of overhead kick opportunities.

We shall see – but I suspect we’ll be linked with plenty of forwards over the coming weeks and months. If you were forced to put money on the futures of Bendtner and Arshavin, I think it’d probably be on them leaving, while Marouane Chamakh’s descent into a Danileviciusian mire means there’s speculation regarding his future too. Carlos Vela, our giggling Mehxican, can’t even get a game for West Brom so he too might well be packing his bags this summer.

That means a distinct shortfall in the old players who can score section of our team. Robin is enjoying a purple patch at the moment but there’s a danger of becoming too reliant on one player for goals and he’s just an ankle tap or a knee knack away from another injury lay-off. Then what? Do we go back to the good old days, pull a Chris Whyte and play Squillaci as a centre-forward? It will make for interesting times and frankly the tabloids and Tribal Football and Goal and Caught Offside ought to chip in and buy Arsenal a big cake to say thank you for the fact they’ve just made the summer as easy as easy can be.

Arsenal’s [incredible/amazing/last-minute] + [swoop/frenzy/battle] for [Transfer Fee] rated + Random Club + Random forward.

Simple. And we’ll lap it up, oh yes we will, for what else is there to do in the summertime? Sit around and drink cocktails, you say? Ok, that just means we’ll get more emotionally involved with the transfer stories. Still, it’s all in the game, yo.

No team news yet ahead of Sunday’s all-important *cough* clash with Aston Villa but there’s an expectation that Cesc will be back, at least, and possibly Nasri too. Plenty of time to look forward to that one though. I have to admit all the Sunday kick-offs are a bit trying. I suppose they’d be fine if we were in the thick of the title race but they just seem a bit mean or something now. Oh well.

Check out Tim Stillman’s latest column – Utterly figured out.

Just a quick reminder – for those of you who are using the old Android app, please remove it and install the new one which you can find here. It’s got all kinds of new features, including the fantastic ‘Inject yourself with Merson piss’ one which we just added this morning. Not 100% sure that’s going to be the most popular, but you can also use the comments, listen to the Arsecast, follow the Arseblog Twitter feed and much more. So get installing.

Not much else going on so there’s no need to drag this out. Back tomorrow with an Arsecast and hopefully a scrap or two of Arsenal news.

Till then.

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