Monday, January 24, 2022

Slushy stuff

Right, well this stoopid weather has finally caught up with me. I am stricken with some kind of horrendous plague which has me feeling like shit and unable to sleep. Hence the reason I’m sitting here at 5.12am writing this.

And I know it’s not necessarily the weather’s fault. It’s people with their germs and microbes and sneezing without covering their mouths and coughing their guts up leaving a hazy cloud of bacteria to walk into and so forth meaning whatever pestilence they had I now have and frankly people ought to just die. Provided, of course, that they die from something completely unrelated to what they’ve given me. Like being hit by a bus or devoured by a monster that has been living in their attic.

This is the time of year when one should feel jolly and sprightly, not as if one has been pounded like a piece of cheap meat. I was having those weird cold but sweaty dreams too. I was trying to make my own bread and then some bloke released a book about Arsenal and the entire book consisted of one just line:

Arsenal are good pilots but you wouldn’t trust them to land the plane*.

He won awards and everything for it, folk were saying ‘Oooh, how insightful’ and ‘He really knows his stuff’ and I was saying to people ‘That’s a good line but it’s only one line. A book should be a bit bigger than that. That’s barely a pamphlet for goodness sake! All he’s got is a title. A TITLE!’, but nobody listened to me. Then I tried to cook some steak to have with the bread I made but the bread turned out to be a lump of something which looked more like a brain and then I woke up and now here I am doing stream of consciousness shite for you to read.

And here’s another thing – slush is very, very annoying. To me it’s absolute proof that we’re merely an accident of the universe. No god would ever come up with something as stupid as slush. It is utterly pointless and downright slippy. I went into town yesterday to do my Christmas shopping (you’re all getting socks, by the way) and the streets were awash with dirty brown/grey slush. There’s simply no call for it and I demand its extinction at once. Oh, humans are great. We can wipe out majestic tigers and other wonderful species yet we let slush live. Man, when you think about we’re fucking crap at life.

Anyway, some Arsenal stuff would be good, I suppose. Not that there’s much of that really. Marouane Chamakh says:

I played at my favourite club in France and I played now with the club I have loved since I was little. For some, it is Real Madrid or Barcelona. Me, it has always been Arsenal. You have to see that I leave the pitch worn out after every match. I am very proud to be a Gunner.

I like that, he’s hired! He also talks about how Samir Nasri has been like a brother to him. Maybe it’s the early morning delerium but wasn’t there a film about two girls and one of the girls pretended to be a boy because she looked like a boy and the other girl fell in love with her thinking it was a boy except when she went for a grope of his junk she realised the boy had a fanny? It was with that girl with the horse teeth who was in that film with Clint Eastwood where she’s a boxer and is really good but in the end is beaten by a stool. I mean who gets beaten by a stool? Never happened to Tyson, Ali or Barry McGuigan, did it?

Anyway, I’m not sure what my point is now and I’m fucked if I’m going to delete all that. It took ages to type out.

Meanwhile, Tomas Vermaelen is unlikely to be back in action for another little while. Arsene says:

He is short on fitness and we have to build it up. That will take three to four weeks. He has started now and the signs are good. But I have been hit so many times with backlash that I am very cautious.

That’s not very good news at all, is it? It’s as if they did some tests on him and realised that he was made of 56% slush. From what I’m told the plan was to bring him back around the time of the FA Cup game against whoever it is we’re playing in the FA Cup … oh yeah, Leeds. *Must stop self talking about how much self hates Leeds*

Anyway, that’s clearly a bit too soon for him so those who are fit will have to continue. And here’s the thing, despite never being able to say it publicly and always having to talk about the strength of the team, I bet footballers quite like it when players who play in their position are injured. Your own chances of playing are increased.

– “Oh yes, it’s terrible. I hope gets well soon”


– “I could not give a fish’s tit how long he’s out for as long as I get a game”.

Maybe it’s different in the professional game but I doubt it, what with the majority of footballers being complete and utter twats. It’s also very interesting to hear so many people talk about a move for Christopher Samba who said he wants to leave Blackburn because the Walrus got booted out. Interesting because Samba is, let’s face it, a bit shit. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s a list of his top 10 qualities, make your own mind up.

1 – He is very tall.

2 –

3 –

4 –

5 –

6 –


7 –

8 –

9 –

10 –

Proof, if it were ever needed, that signing Samba would be a bad idea.

Still, we have Diaby back (surprising) and Fabianski is fit again which will mean Wojscez©® will probably be on the bench for the Chelsea game.

The boss also spoke about transfer speculation saying it was ‘highly unlikely’ we’d find the right player available. He said it wasn’t a question of money, more to do with players being cup-tied for Europe and clubs not wanting to sell their best players in January. Regarding Denilson and Nicklas Bendtner and stories linking them with moves away he said there was ‘no truth at all’ in it. Which makes perfect sense to me. Which is odd because a few moments ago I couldn’t work out what the strange object in front of me on the desk was. Then I remembered what a coffee cup was.

Now, I can feel the sweats coming on again. And yet I must away into the cold and the outside and not back to bed. Pfff, today is 98% slush already.

*I’m having that title.

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