FC Barcelona Internal Memo – FAO all players.
Estimados jugadores de FC Barcelona, por favor, find attached el schedule por el talking jibber-jabber de Cesc Fabregas.
Wednesday July 15th – Lionel Messi: Please mention the fact you played with Cesc in the youth team at Barcelona. Do not mention you were 3’2 at the time or, indeed, are 3’2 now. Or we’ll stop giving you your growth sweeties.
Thursday July 16th – Xavi: Despite the fact you are one of the most senior players and your performances on the pitch cannot be faulted in any way we believe your jibber-jabbering requires some work. We know you love Cesc’s DNA, and long to slurp it up from ornate goblets, but please do not mention it, his head or his heart. Should you feel the need to talk about his internal organs, his genetic make up or even his hairstyle, please note that your statement will require approval.
Friday July 17th – Gerard Pique: We would prefer you didn’t say anything at all but do you think you could spit on Arsene Wenger when he’s not looking? We have every confidence that you can fulfill this task but please remember if carrying this out in a very public place there may be cameras.
Saturday July 18th – Sergio Busquets: You will play a crucial role in the capture of Cesc. If and when Arsenal negotiate we want you with us. When given the signal you will fall to the ground under the slightest contact screaming as if every bone in your body has been shattered. When Gazidis goes to check you’re all right we shall put Cesc under our coat and make a break for it. You may use your patented peekaboo to ensure the coast is clear before you magically heal and leave the room. If they capture you we will go on without you.
Sunday July 19th – Andrés Iniesta: You are excused from this current round of public tapping-up but for God’s sake man go get some sun. You look like a footballing corpse. There have been complaints from some parents that their children are having nightmares about you. ‘The man with the face of a phantom’ they call you. Sort it.
Monday July 20th – Carles Puyol: Puyol make caveman noise. Puyol beat chest. Puyol eat meat. Puyol good. Good Puyol. Goooooood Puyol.
Further schedule details will follow early next week. Also, please note that Sandro Rosell must now be referred to you as ‘Your Majesty’ or ‘Your Holy Awesomeness’. Anyone failing to do so will be made go for a sleepover with Pique and Ibrahimovic.
Your cooperation, as always, is much appreciated.
yours etc,
The Barcelona board.
ps – we will be paying your wages at some point in the next few weeks. We’re not broke at all. Don’t believe the papers.
pps – a percentage of your wages will be paid via the issuing of shares in the company. You all get a billion each which is worth … erm … loads. Trust us. When these stock options hit the roof. Kerching. Quids in, lads. Honest!
ppps – to the smart arse who left the ‘Haven’t you learned your lesson buying players off Arsenal yet?’ message in the suggestion box, har har. Have a nice time in New York, asshole.
—
In other news this morning Arsene Wenger is back in training, he’s got a brand new stopwatch and he’s going to use it. He also makes new boy Koscielny look a bit midgety.
A bit of a squad list has been put together for Saturday’s game against Barnet. A few first team players are mentioned but there’s no guarantee any of them will play. I suspect it’ll be mostly youngsters with perhaps a few senior faces given a run out. It’s still very early in the pre-season.
Thierry Henry has signed for the New York Redbulls and his debut will come against Sp*rs. He’s still only 32 as well.
More tomrorow.
