This week is so boring I have taken to dreaming about us (the club, before you get any arousing ideas) just to have something vaguely Arsenal to talk about.
It is the second leg against Porto at home. The first couple of minutes. For some reason Fabianski is playing. I assume due to injuries to Almunia, Mannone and Inanimate Carbon Rod. Porto take a quick free kick, it’s straight, soft and easy for the keeper. Except he fumbles it and Hulk runs in to score. Fabregas actually vomits on the pitch and there are bits of it running down his chin as that twat from ITV shrieks with delight in his commentary.
A few moments later Arshavin misses an open goal. I am trying to send a text to someone to express my exasperation at Fabianski but my phone keeps turning off. Paul Mariner is brought on to try and get us back into the game and the effect he has is stunning. Instead of watching Arsenal v Porto I find myself in a strange flat near an airport. I drop a large pot of mince on the ground and when I try to clean it up I find cat poo all round the skirting boards. Then some old lady starts singing a song so I leave for the airport but realise I’ve forgotten my bag and I’m trying to find the National Art Gallery in Dublin which is not, as I well know, down the alley beside the Olympia Theatre. Thankfully the alarm went off at that point.
I think it’s fair to say our goalkeeping situation is worrying me. As is our skirting board/cat poo problem but none of those things can be solved until the transfer window opens in the summer. Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. Next up is Stoke, not Porto, and that’s what we have to concentrate on. Which is rather a shame because what can you say about Stoke other than they’re a pack of cunts? Rory Delap, his freakish wrists and a gaggle of gigantic muscle-Marys who blunderbuss their way around a football pitch. Last season was an awful game there. Theo got injured, Adebayor got injured, Robin van Persie got sent off because he simply couldn’t bear to be on the same pitch as them, and we got undone by two of Delap’s 60 second missiles.
Add to that the FA Cup game and it’s not exactly a game you’d look forward to very much. They have no problem kicking people. Anyone see Ricardo Fuller against Portsmouth? He practically castrated one of the Pompey players and got away with it. I know, football’s a physical game and I like when players get stuck in, but trying to rip open someone’s sac with your studs is a bit much, in my opinion. More on Stoke in the days to come.
Other than that it’s pretty damn quiet, as you might have gathered. Do I really care about an Ajax youngster who comes with the recommendation of Dennis Bergkamp? Well, I certainly care about him more than I would care about an Ajax youngster who comes with the recommendation of Franck van der Hoopenschlipper, notorious Amsterdam drunk, poet, bon viveur and part time bicycle repairman, but that still doesn’t indicate a great deal of interest on my behalf.
Without wishing to sound too fruity – I’m much more interested in men. For once it’d be nice to sign a player who had to shave every day. Even Arshavin has the wispiest fluff. If he had to do one of those ‘grow a beard for charity’ things he’d only make money because people felt so desperately sorry for him. I want a player who can sport a full-on Brian Blessed and who, hopefully, can play a bit of football as well. I’m not simply advocating signings based on their ability to cultivate impressive facial hair but there’s got to be a balance. And isn’t it about time Arsenal had a player with a moustache like The Stranger in The Big Lebowski? Wherefore art our mutton chops?
Chelsea versus Inter could be quite tasty tonight. Thinking about it I have just revised my opinion regarding testicular injuries. I mean, if there was such a thing as karma John Terry would find his 15 yards upfield after a clash with Eto’o. The man has no shame, look at the front page of The Sun today. Tut Tut. I might just have a beer and hope for a bloody bollock frenzy of a game.
I suppose we had best leave it there. It might just get a bit silly if I keep going.
