Some people are just stupid. Born that way. There is literally nothing they can do about it.
Most of these stupid people you encounter in day to day business. The stupid girl behind the cash register of some shop who can’t work out the change even though the till tells her exactly what to give you back. The stupid man who blocks you off in traffic then looks at you like you’re the cunt when you sarcastically applaud him. The bloke from the electric company who comes to the house you’ve just bought in Spain, the one you’re waiting to move into, and who assures you the job has been done but when you get to the house you find there is no electricity and a bit of investigation reveals that he turned on the electricity for an unoccupied house four doors away and when you go and tell them this they look at you and go ‘meh’ because you’re just a foreigner with fuck all Spanish but you’re not the one who was supposed to put the lights at number 30 and went to 34 instead. Even with your rudimentary Spanish you knew the fucking numbers.
Those kind of stupid people you get used to dealing with. Then there are other stupid people. They are stupid but think they’re smart. And even though they do possess a modicum of intelligence the more they open their mouths the more stupid you realise they are.
These kind of people if they were electrocuted every time they went to take a bite of a delicious treat would never learn that eating the treat equals pain. And sadly many of these kind of stupid people find themselves in positions of relative power. I mean, how many stupid politicians are there? Whatever country you’re in you know of one or two or twenty or all of them. Dan Quayle, for example, was vice president of the US. Honestly, just a stupid cunt. Not a few short weeks ago Ireland’s deputy Prime Minister, Mary Coughlan, was speaking at the launch of some thing or other and said that the marketing of it would be like ‘like Einstein explaining his theory of evolution’. Give me strength.
Morons, everywhere you go, there are morons, idiots, dolts and numbskulls. They would make you despair if it wasn’t such a big job to get off one’s throne of intellectual superiority. As it is most of us just say ‘Oh, that person is so stupid. Give me more beer’. It’s the best way to get through because you can’t change them. Be a politician? No thank you. Then you would have to actually listen to them and deal with them at close quarters and then it’d be mass-murder time. And I’m not stupid enough to spend the rest of my life in jail for killing stupid people, even if they do deserve to be shot repeatedly in the face.
Another man who is one of these stupid powerful people, relatively speaking of course, is Joan Laporta. He’s a lawyer, you know, although from my limited experience of the legal profession in Spain it seems a lawyer’s only function is to facilitate the passing of cash for house purchases. Honestly, the two transactions I was involved in both required an under-the-table cash payment to the developer and to the lawyer before some underling photocopied some deed-like documents to sign with Pablo Solicitoria counted his wad.
Laporta is also the President of FC Barcelona and over the years he has irritated me greatly, because he is stupid. He thinks he’s being all crafty and clever but he’s not. His latest ‘I am so smart, s.m.r.t’ business revolves around Cesc Fabregas. Having programmed Robot Xavi to talk about Cesc’s Barcelona DNA every time there’s a microphone within 6 feet of him he sees Cesc as a vanity project. His term as President of Barcelona is up next summer, the rules say he cannot be re-elected, but he wants to give them something to remember him by as a leaving present. That present is Cesc when the present I would most like him to give them is his own head which he hacked off with a rusty axe.
Once again he’s been in the papers, moving his little campaign along, and he said:
He was formed at Barca, he has our style of play and the majority of ‘cules‘ ‘cunts’ like him. We must respect Arsenal and cannot comment though. The market is not open and these matters are decided by the technical director [Txiki Begiristain], and so we are not thinking about it at the moment.
Ok, now here’s where Laporta proves himself to be as stupid as a Spanish electrician. Firstly he says they must respect Arsenal and not comment. He does that by commenting. Clever indeed. Then he says they are not thinking about it at the moment but in order to vocalise what it is he’s not thinking about he has to think about it, otherwise he’d be saying different words entirely.
The only way you can not comment is to not comment. You can’t comment and then say you can’t comment. That’s commenting, you fucking hapless, brain-dead imbecile. You can’t get your journo chums in Sport and El Mundo to write big pieces about how Cesc has signed a pre-contract agreement with Barcelona and may even leave in January and then tell people you’re not thinking about it at the moment because clearly you are. He is the kind of man who, if caught in the act of murdering somebody, blood on his hands, victim’s final words ‘He did it’, would say ‘I didn’t do it’.
Honestly, he’s a smarmy prick of the highest order. That smug grin on his face whenever you see him sitting in the directors box of some small Spanish team when Barcelona have stuck a few goals past them and it’s enough to make you go there and take a hammer to his teeth. In fact, I am going there in a few weeks, and I know a good hardware store.
I understand how football works and transfers and this is very much the Spanish way. That doesn’t mean it’s the right way though or that we should sit back and accept it. Nor should we really accept stupid people who I think should all be rounded up and sent to an island somewhere. To escape you put them in a room full of shovels and tell them to take their pick. That’d keep them busy for decades. Laporta and Mary Coughlan can go first, although stupid people tend to breed faster than normal people so perhaps we should sterilise them all first. Or just drop them into a fucking volcano. The cunts. The idea of a little Joan Coughlan or a Mary Laporta fills me with real dread.
I can cope with lots of stuff, irritating noises (apart from the noise of people eating chewing gum which is so trying it should be legal to solder that person’s mouth shut), Irish weather, not having my own island paradise, even David Gray because there is such a thing as an off-button, but stupid people I just cannot. I hate them. And I fucking hate Joan Laporta.
Now I need breakfast and you can’t stop me.
