Good morning all,
shocking news this morning to start with. Barcelona President Joan Laporta has admitted “I’m a cunt and I just can’t help it”.
Speaking exclusively to El Blogdo Mongativo smarmy Laporta admitted what the world has suspected for years. “I know this will be hard for people to accept but it’s true. I’m a complete and utter cunt. I’ve been a cunt for years”.
However, he refused to accept responsibility for it, blaming an innocent Arsenal fan for his misfortune.
“It all started when I was just 17”, he said whilst strangling and then setting fire to a puppy. “I was a happy-go-lucky chap strolling up Las Ramblas, buying some fresh herbs in La Boqueria here, hanging out with trannies up by the Camp Nou there.
On that fateful day I was having some tapas in my favourite tapas restaurant, Los Cojones Gigantes, when in came a chap wearing the shirt of that team they call Arsenal. I was about to order the very last portion of the squid wrapped in pigeon stuffed with snails and smothered in a delicious garlic, olive oil and guano paste, when this brute, this savage Arsenal ogre, reached over the counter and took it for himself.
He wolfed it down, like a wolf, washed it down with a litre of Estrella, then let out the most enormous belch I have ever heard. Oh dear sweet holy Jesus on the cross with the blessed Mary weeping at his feet, the smell. It was like the rotting anus of a three-week dead gibbon, and trust me, I know my dead gibbons having spent many years in technical college studying their ringpieces.
From that day forth I swore that I would have revenge, not only on Arsenal and its fans but on the world at large. I came home, stood proud and announced to my parents ‘From now on your son, Joan Laporta, is going to be a cunt!!’.
‘From now on?’, said my confused father, but I paid him no heed. Now I have the power to make the life of Arsenal miserable. I shall redouble, no retriple, my efforts to sign Cesc Fabregas”, he said, listening to Glen Hoddle and Chris Waddle sing the songs of Phil Collins.
“That Arsenal fan will rue the day he stole that portion of tapas from me. They will all rue it. Rue, I say. Not a day shall pass when I fail to make some kind of comment about the Arsenal captain who has committed himself to the club more often than El Harry del Rojoknapp’s face twitches in a minute. They will pay for what they did. Oh yes”.
At this point Laporta excused himself as he had to teach a class of teenagers how to talk really, really loudly non-stop when they went to Ireland or England for the summer to learn English.
These scandalous revelations will be of little comfort to Arsenal fans around the world as they have to contend with daily headlines about Spanish clubs signing Fabregas, but they can take some solace in the fact that the public record will show that Joan Laporta, is indeed, and always will be, a huge, enormous, disrespectful, tedious, megahyperglobalsuper elephantine cunt.
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In other news this morning Robin van Persie says he’s 100% behind Arsene Wenger. The Dutchman says:
There is ambition. I have spoken to both the boss and Ivan Gazidis about it. The boss got some stick from some of the fans last season, but if you look at the reaction at the end of the last game, that was tremendous and is the way all of the fans should react.
I trust him and my message to everyone is: be patient, trust the team and the people above.
Splendid. The best bit about the new season is the clean slate. Everything starts fresh and optimism is high. A 14-0 win over some minnows in pre-season will get the ball rolling soon enough. And van Persie had some words about Jack Wilshere too, saying:
It almost makes me scared when I see him play, so he has massive potential.
I love that the level to which Robin is scared can be used to measure potential in young players. Wilshere – almost scared. Gibbs – nearly frightened. Anton Blackwood who has left us to join Sp*rs – not even remotely startled. Still, Wilshere is someone I’m really looking forward to seeing more of in the season ahead.
Manuel Almunia has urged the club to bring in experience saying youth can only take us so far. The keeper says:
It’s great to have a young team but youth doesn’t give you titles. We need the manager to work harder to get what we need, the club to make an extra effort to make us more competitive. We need more than youth.
Interesting to hear that from one of the senior players in the squad. He also goes on to talk about his relationship with Jens Lehmann and funnily it’s easy to see how the negativity between them helped Almunia, as if he were going to prove Jens wrong. Things are better between them now and they recently enjoyed a day out at Alton Towers and both of them treasure the picture of them getting soaked as the rollercoaster goes through the puddle thing.
Sport.co.uk links us with Ever Banega whose only quality as far as I can see is that an anagram of his name is ‘Avenge Bear’ which is kinda cool.
Weird and interesting stuff is emerging from the News of the World phone tapping affair. PFA chief Gordon Taylor’s phone was tapped by a private investigator working for the Sunday rag and messages about Arsene Wenger, presumably from either Shearer or Alex Ferguson, as mentioned in this Guardian piece, were intercepted.
There was also one left about Jamie Redknapp which was someone just going ‘Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt’ for 10 minutes solid. Police did not need to investigate that one.
And that’ll be about that. The first week of pre-season training over. Monday will see the return of players like van Persie, Toure, Adebayor, Sagna, Eboue etc, and then we start getting closer and closer to some actual football. Sweet.
Till tomorrow.
