Good morning to you, after a week of wonderful weather it’s finally raining again – on the day of an old friend’s wedding. How typical is that?
I had very strange dreams last night. I was the campaign manager for Kajagoogoo. I’m not sure what they were campaiging for but Limahl was bemoaning the fact that his post-pop career attempts to become the world’s greatest narrator of BBC documentaries had failed while one of the other blokes was a professor of some kind. I knew this because he had a caption underneath him whenever he appeared, saying Professor Whateverhisname was.
If you too would like dreams like this all you have to do is eat Domino’s pepperoni and jalapeno pizza and drink a couple of beers. Then some Jameson 12. Then half a slice of processed cheese (the other half being used to lure an ancient and rather sleepy basset hound out of the back for his night time ablutions).
Anyway, there’s not a lot happening this morning. Stories about how Arsene Wenger met Real Madrid. Shock horror. He turned them down. Golly gosh. This has all spewed forth from the mouth of Florentino Perez who may not be as half-witted as Calderon but who is more than capable of gushing verbal diarrhea at 50 words a second.
Does anyone else remember when diarrhea was more regularly spelt diarrhoea?
Udinese defender Cristian Zapata (translation: Non-Jew Shoe) says Arsenal have been enquiring about him. The Uruguayan (heh) (less ‘heh’ coz he’s actually Colombian, cheers Gunner-nave) says:
Juventus, Fiorentina, Milan, Arsenal and Villarreal have requested information about me. I think if a good offer arrives then Udinese will have to consider it.
He’s done well in Italy since his arrival from Deportivo Coño but I’m struggling to think of any South American defender that’s really done the business in England. Apart from Nelson Vivas of course but, you know, they can’t all be like Vivas.
Meanwhile Thomas Vermaelen (that well known star of Euro2008 …. ha ha) says he knows nothing of an Arsenal bid for his services but then he’s not sport.co.uk, what would he know? To be fair the editor of sport.co.uk did email me the other day (he is a big Gooner) and he says he’s giving the story in good faith, so we’ll wait and see what transpires.
Andrei Arshavin has shot down any rumours that he’s going to return to Zenit St Petersburg by … erm … returning to Zenit St Petersburg. Relax though, he’s just on his hollybobs and popped in to see his old mates again for a good old chat and a steaming hot bowl of cabbage soup. Mmmm, cabbagey.
Theo Walcott says he got fed up with people calling him names like ‘Sweet Little Boy’ so he grew a ‘tache and a beard’. That’s a good start but he needs to go further. Like having the name of a heavy rock band such as Saxon or Cutting Crew tattooed on his face. He also needs to randomly punch people in their genitals then laugh at them as they writhe around on the ground. I can assure you nobody will call him a ‘sweet little boy’ then.
And that’s a really crap nickname. Who the hell thought that up? It sounds like something Lampard, Terry and Cuntley Cunt would spend hours figuring out at an England training camp then say it over and over and over the next day doing a kind of ‘Oooh, I’m holding two cups of tea with my little finger in their air’ gesture while the rest of the squad, even Wayne Rooney, looked at them as if they were a Sp*rs fan marrying your sister. Twats.
So, that’s about that on this gloomy Saturday morning. Have yourselves a good day, more tomorrow, at some stage (it might be late).
