Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Premier League’s astonishing plan to get football going again

The Premier League is planning to complete all outstanding fixtures from the 2019-20 season before the end of the summer in a massive football jamboree style tournament which will take place in a specially designed set of arenas in a remote location in the North of Scotland.

The inspiration comes from seeing China build a hospital in three days, with a spokesperson telling sources that ‘If they can do that, surely we can get a few football pitches together. All you need is some grass, and one of those grass painters to get the lines on it.’

Matches will be played over a period of two weeks, with as many as as six per day taking place, broadcast live on Sky and BT Sports, and on a new streaming platform ‘Premier League Official Play’ (PLOP). No fans will be allowed but managers, coaches, physios and officials will all be sequestered at the Queen’s residence at Balmoral, as she and her staff are currently in isolation at an undisclosed location. They will have access to all rooms and facilities, but must not enter the one labelled ‘Andy’s Fun Palace’.

In a bold move, squad numbers will be increased from 25 to 45 as advisors have suggested there will be some ‘natural attrition’, but because of the lack of a transfer market, recruitment can only be made through Twitter. Clubs can use their official Twitter channels to make a plea for a player.

‘Anyone near Invergordon got their boots and fancy a game this evening at 7? Short notice, I know, but hit me up if you fancy it. No timewasters’

Potential players will have to prove they’ve been in perfect isolation by signing a form which says ‘I have been isolating, I swear. Not even been to the shops or anything. You can trust me’.

It was suggested that new recruits be given a test for Covid-19 but given the last minute nature of their call-ups, it was felt that this would unnecessarily delay the ‘signings’, and it was absolutely fine to put 100% trust in people who would never lie or do anything to put their favourite team at risk. Concerns that @Dave199566476, a lifelong Liverpool fan, might disguise himself as an Everton fan and deliberately infect the entire opposition squad were given little credence.

“That’s a long shot,” a spokesperson told Arseblog. “50-50 at best, and those are odds we’re willing to live with.”

When it comes to selection, club officials will have to look at the avatar of the potential player to see if they fit the bill, and can ask potential candidates up to three questions to determine their suitability.

“What’s your level?”

“Are you any good?”

“Where do you play?”

Any ‘normaller’ brought into the squad must do an initiation song of their own choosing, again to be broadcast on a special behind the scenes streaming platform called ‘Get Introduced, Must Play Some’ (GIMPS), after which they may freely mingle with their new teammates.

The games themselves will be played in a responsible, respectful way to show that the authorities are cognisant of the ongoing threat of a virus which has caused thousands of deaths worldwide. Some of the new rules include:

  • Goal celebrations: Players may not hug, do pile-ons, or any other kind of mass gatherings. A manly-handshake is fine, however. Touching your face afterwards will result in a direct free kick though.
  • Spitting: There is to be no spitting, but if a player must expel some saliva, they can run to the side of the pitch to use the various Spittoons, sponsored by Amazon Slime. Similarly, snot rockets, snot torpedos, or any other kind of snot projectile are prohibited unless fired directly into one of the pitch-side receptacles. Points will be awarded for artistic merit and should the need arise, these points will be used to separate teams in the table ahead of goal difference which is seen as an antiquated way to decide anything.
  • Discipline: Yellow and red cards are no longer being used. After so long without football, it was felt that anything that would spoil the purity of 11 v 11 was detrimental to broadcasting experience. Players may be given a stern talking to should they commit an act of ultra-violence. With so many subs available, badly injured players can be taken the local M*U*S*H (Mobile Universal Surgical Hospital), where they can be treated by a range of Doctors, such as Dr Hawkeye, Dr Hibbert, Dr Nick, and Dr John.
  • Substitutions: The pace and power of the Premier League is its key draw for viewers, so a system of roll-off, roll-on subs will take place. Each team can use as many as they wish throughout the game, but must advise the officials before each one so that TV can ready the graphics to let the viewers know what is happening.
  • Managers: Their technical areas will now overlap. What they do to each other in there is their own business, including but not restricted to: Wedgies, rashers with a ruler, headbutts, sucker punches, wet willies, tying shoelaces together, slow poisoning, Atomic Marvins, cluster-splatts, hanging knobbers, and retroactive skiffing.

From a broadcasting perspective, existing pundits will be augmented with the introduction of celebrity guests from the world of reality TV. Jamie Carragher and Paris Hilton; Gary Neville and Joe Exotic (now a married couple); Roy Keane and Ozzy Osbourne’s life support unit. As well as their appearance at the matches themselves, pundits will provide current-affairs updates on a new streaming channel called ‘Television Will Allow Truths’ (TWATs) to combat misinformation on other more responsible outlets who are advising people to stay inside and not congregate at all.

Once all matches are completed, the title will be awarded to the team who has gained the most traditional points, taking into account the awards for artistic merit, bonus points for fouls unseen by the referees, and managerial showdowns. It was felt that Liverpool’s insurmountable lead in traditional terms would have led to a staid and boring tournament.

“We needed to level the playing field,” continued the Premier League spokeperson. “Sure, Liverpool won’t like it, but we’ve got to think of the bigger pic-”

At this point, the spokesperson was mown down by a souped-up golf-cart driven by Jack Grealish.

Existing Sky and BT subscriptions remain valid, but access to the streaming platforms will cost extra, up to 99 Currency Unit Note Tokens per month. The winners of the title will receive the famous Premier League trophy, and a chance to see their players infected by face-off against some of the Europe’s best clubs in a new tournament to be launched by the newly merged UEFA and FIFA and broadcast on a new streaming platform called Soccer Heroes International Tournament.

The future is football. The future is now.

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