A very serious and tactical preview of the Fulham game

First thing I should do is wish all of you a very happy new year. It’s now 2019, we still don’t have proper hover-boards or flying vehicles so essentially the future is a bag of crap but let’s not start on a downer. I don’t want that Elon Musk fella chancing across this blog and trying to convince me after he takes 4 Es and a pile of shrooms that the plug-in cars  he shoots into space are evidence that technology is great or anything, I’m far too hungover for that this morning.

We play Fulham later. After the defeat to Liverpool – did I mention I spent yesterday evening with a Mugsmasher who was far too gracious a host to talk about the game the other night? – Unai Emery must be thinking about changes for today. As he can’t load Mustafi into a cannon and shoot him into space like Voyager 2 he’s somewhat restricted. That said, imagine the NASA control room when the Mustafi probe shot past Pluto and instead of sending back pictures of the farthest reaches of our universe it was a selfie of him singing along to Live Is Life by top pop combo Opus, the zany prick.

My point here is that I’m ok with any team once it doesn’t have Mustafi in it. Something like:

Cech, a chair, Hector Bellerin’s fashion pants, three small boys in a long coat pretending to an adult so they can get into an over 18s film, Steve, a massive squirrel on drugs, Inanimate Carbon Rod, a booze globe, my slippers, next door’s wheelie bin, Lacazette.

Just get out there and win and stop being such twats. If it were me my teamtalk would be encouraging, looking to get the best out of the chaps I picked, but I’d also make it very clear that unless they played well I’d kill them. Not ‘have them killed’, because I believe a manager should take responsibility. You could hand this stuff over to an assistant but I wouldn’t trust a single one of them. What do Steve Bould and Spanish Steve Bould do anyway? Beats me. E-Steve Boold-eh. I think I’d kill them too.

Look the point I’m making in a very subtle way is that we need a response today after such a dismal defeat in our last game. And when I said I wish all of you a happy new year, I meant that, but on the off chance that anyone from KSE is reading this, it does not apply to you. I wish you pestilence and bum itches for the duration of 2019 and beyond or until you go away or put some money into this club. Especially Stan, but especially Josh.

Yesterday, we were told that January funds were limited so loan deals were our most likely option when the transfer window opens. In the meantime, the club’s highest scoring central midfielder of all time and the man who got the winner in two FA Cup finals, will have talks with PSG, Bayern Munich, Juventus and others. I realise his availability of a free has opened doors in this regard, but look at the calibre of clubs that are after him. It tells you plenty, and it’s further evidence that some people are in need of real super-wedgie, whether they’re still at the club or not. I tell you, if I saw Ivan Gazidis right now I’d capture him and paint his stupid head with road tar, the wanker.

Anyway, I can’t even explain to you what a chore this has been to type so I’m going to leave it here and go back to lie down for a while. We will have a live blog and all the other stuff we do on the site, so I’ll see you later on for the game.

In the meantime, I’ll reiterate my best for 2019 once more unless you’re Stan, Josh, Ivan, Phil Collins, John Terry, a Premier League referee, Nigel Farage and his ilk, a person who doesn’t cover their mouth when they cough, anyone who treats dogs badly, the man up the road from me who discards the scratch cards he never wins on the street rather than in a bin, or someone who films themselves during football games. I hope you all get SARS.