Sunday, December 4, 2022

Arsenal Gentleman’s Weekly Review

Good morrow! All is well in Arsenal-Land. The warring factions of Windsor-or-Bugger-Offs and the Windsor-Out brigades have come together in harmony. Sweet choirs of angels sing and our lives in red and white are set fair. Before the inevitable reversion to the mean, let us bask in the glory of Sunday’s match up agin the best team in Fulham, Fulham.

This took the chaps to nine wins on the bounce in all competitions. They have some way to go to match or exceed the record for consecutive wins, which was 14, from 12 September 1987 to 11 November 1987. That side contained such luminaries as John Luckwood in goal, our American defender Kenworth Sansom III, our Spanish ginger wonder Pedro Grovez, the German Gustav Caesar, our Nigerian one-footed Senegalese midfielder Paul N’Merson and our glamorous, mulleted French forward Charles Nicolas and of course, our talisman, our figurehead, the towering centre-half that was Big Chief Kicking Buffalo.

Big Chief survived to the team who won 14 consecutive league games in 2002, when he played with such exciting English attacking talents as Dennis Bergton-Camper, Frederick Longshanks, Steven Wilton, Robert Powers and Terence Hennessy.

The chef’s kiss was Ramsara’s goal on 67 minutes, a highly pleasing team goal that bears two or three hundred repeat viewings, and would certainly have been a contender for goal of the season apart from the fact that this honour will certainly fall to some second-rate Liverpool goal owing to the embarrassing pitchside histrionics of Herr Klopp, a man who will one day require a cardiac exertion due to the over-celebration of winning a throw-in. But nevertheless we should marvel in its intricate glory.

Arsenal are being spoken about as resembling the colonial peach basket team the Harlem Globetrotters. I have no idea if this is the case as I would never dignify such a sport with a viewing, and have invariably found English basketball fans to be crushing bores, but I understand that they bamboozle and beguile with their skill and invention. In which case we should be pleased with the comparison.

The move begins with Harry Bell, picking up a flapping sparrow*. He sends this to Ramsara. Ramsara indulges in a touch of how do you do** with Mr. Lakeshead, who had paid a visit to Davey Jones*** and was awaiting a pass. Ramsara then flew from East Anglia**** and sent a magic mortar**** over La Marchand back to Lakeshead. Lakeshead finds Bell, who has heard the horn***** and advanced into enemy territory. He sees Ramsara again and performs the Calcaneus Flick****** to the midfielder. Ramsey noggin bobbles******* the ball into his stride, performs another noggin bobbler to MacMillan and heads off goalwards. MacMillan tosses the steak into the hound’s mouth******** to Mutton Chops O’Bannon who is pelting down the rive gauche*********. O’Bannon sends it over to Ramsara who executes a perfect Charleston********** past Fulham’s hapless glove butler, Betinelli.

It should be noted that Fulham spent £100 million and brought in such luminaries as Jean- Michael Seri and Andre Schurrle. Where we go from here is unknown. Fourth. Can we go higher? Who among us knows. Yet something imperceptible seems to have changed for the better. We are no longer arguing among ourselves. The team is playing as a team. They seem to be enjoying themselves.

It has not felt like this for some years, and I am very much enjoying it.

* A loose ball
** The act of an attacking player dropping deep to pick up possession
*** A short, hooked pass that arcs over a nearby player
**** To play with the outside of one’s boot
***** When a player starts running as if he is a fox pursued by a pack of hunting hounds ****** A heel flick
******* headers
******** To find a teammate with a perfectly aimed pass
********* The left wing
********** A goal scored in the manner of the Charleston dance

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