There’s a job going down the Arsenal

Have you ever thought about working for Arsenal? I’m sure we all have. Pulling on that famous shirt. Being the number 1/6/7/9 depending on where it is you saw yourself playing, I think we’ve all been there.

Genuinely, in my life I’ve had countless dreams of playing for the club, but there’s usually something weird about it. Either the pitch is massive, like acres and acres of World War 1 no-man’s land, or it’s tiny and cramped like a corridor between train carriages. Then there’s usually an issue with the other players, there’s often something that delays the start of the game, and when we do get going … the ball. The ball!

Why can’t my football dreams have a real ball? A classic Adidas Tango and not a grapefruit, or some rolled up socks, or something else that makes it almost impossible to play an actual game of football but it doesn’t really matter because the dream segues into something mad like the fact we have to fight some sentient clouds with cricket bats made from actual crickets.

Anyway, the odds are stacked against you if you’re an Arsenal fan and you want to play for the club. Of course there have been some down the years who have famously done just that, but being a supporter doesn’t qualify you alone, otherwise we’d have a massive and tremendously enthusiastic squad, which lacked a little bit quality or had a huge surplus of crapness.

But fear not, if you still fancy putting in the hours for the Arsenal, why not apply to become First Team Operations Manager – the job is being advertised right now. Sounds cool. You organise stuff for the first team, like travel, hotels, equipment and so on. The players would be your mates and everything.

Well, if you ever got a chance to see them. That list of responsibilities and duties made me exhausted just reading it. It sounds like the kind of job that needs to be done by a team of people, rather than one man. If it were me, I’d want about seventeen staff under me, and a salary of £350,000 per week because holy shit it sounds like a huge amount of hassle.

If Mesut gets that for playing a bit of football, then I should get something similar for ensuring flights are on time, the hotel has got exactly the right kind of pillows for their precious heads, and getting bags of footballs to our mountain retreat training ground – something I assume Unai Emery will be bringing back because that’s what made us so successful in the past.

I do think I’ve got all the qualities needed to do it though, as per the advertisement:

  • Track record of building strong, collaborative relationships at all levels of an organisation

Check. Ask anyone here at Arseblog HQ and they’ll tell you it’s great to work here. At the moment our newest recruit is lying at my feet eating a pig’s ear having just been for a massive wee in the garden, and that speaks to a strong, collaborative relationship in a challenging work environment. I mean, I expect a bit more from Andrew Allen than that, but I can’t fault his output when he gets going.

  • Proven ability to organise, motivate and lead teams, strong team player

Check. I was always captain of my football teams from under 12s onwards. What more do you need to know?

  • Ability to identify and resolve complex problems quickly and effectively

Check. For example, I can identify the Hank Scorpio shaped problem at the centre of our defence and I can resolve it in a number of different ways – some of which are probably illegal but I’m prepared to go there without any questions. It’s all about what’s best for the club.

*taps nose*

  • Results orientated with a strong “can do” attitude

Check – although I prefer to think of this as “can’t not do” attitude.

  • Effective organisation and planning skills

I think you mean organisational here!

  • Strong verbal and written communication skills

I have a blog and a podcast. Do I need to say any more?

  • Calm under pressure

I’m so immune to pressure I wouldn’t even feel G-Forces when we re-entered the earth’s atmosphere when we returned from space having made Elon Musk our official Moon Travel Partner but hopefully his spaceships are better built than his cars. Maybe in the initial stages of this partnership we don’t send our star players up there. If we lose a clogger or two we can look at it as a learning experience and, perhaps, a subtle way of trimming some fat off the wage bill.

  • Excellent written and verbal communication skills

I have a blog and a podcast. Perhaps you need to work on your job application writing skills because this is basically a repeat of a previous quality. Do want excellent or do you want strong? Thankfully for you I am both. Strexcellent, if you like.

  • Fluent level of spoken and written English

My speak is native like real English and I right most goodly so person think I cud be Billiam Shakestears.

  • Strong emotional intelligence, humility

I am so humble you wouldn’t believe it. People say I am the most humble person they’ve ever met. So so humble. Like a kangaroo I have a pouch and it is filled to the top with humility. Nobody else even has one because I’m so far superior to all other applicants.

  • Decisiveness.

I can assure you I would make decisions on the spot without giving them any real thought and isn’t that what football is all about? Five star luxury hotel? You don’t need that. A Travelodge has a perfectly adequate bed for your needs Mr Star Striker, so shut up and get yer head down while we use the money we’ve saved to add to Stan’s Consultancy fees Ivan’s bonus the transfer kitty.

In conclusion, once my demands are met regarding salary, staff, holiday time, benefits, company cars, bonuses, service level agreements, provision of bourbon and jamon ruffles, permission to ban certain people and publications from press conferences at a whim, and a few other things, I reckon I could start in the next few weeks.

I look forward to hearing from you etc.

I think I’m a shoo-in for this one, and don’t worry, it’ll be free tickets and unfettered training ground access for mates and that.

Have a good one! Check out yesterday’s podcast if you haven’t already.