And so it has come to pass. Our dear Alan Windsor, our rock, our ever-present, the only manager some of the faithful have ever known, is to depart the managerial bench, some fifteen years older than Herbert Chapman was when he died.
Saddest of all will be the nation’s worst journalists and pundits, who will now have to find more terrible chucklesome jokes about him not seeing things or struggling with zips.The first question we are all asking ourselves is… What now?
Come May 14th, who will our saviour be? I have compiled the top five early favourites according to the bookmakers.
5/1 Padhraig O’Feery
Padhraig is fondly remembered by Arsenal fans for his dominant performances in the middlefield, his numerous beastings of ghastly Roy Keane, and for the only correct response to the presence of Neil Ruddock on the football pitch, to heal him of his disposition much like Jesus did in Mark 7:33: “And he took him aside from the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue.” Unfortunately the Football Association did not concur with the biblical explanation and fined O’Feery £30,000 guineas.
6/1 Thomas Tickle
This young upstart has brought success to Accrington Stanley including a memorable win over Lincoln City in the Smethwick’s Superglue trophy in 2016. He has never played football at the highest level, so will be free of the terrible golf club banter that afflicts horrible ex- professionals like Samuel Allardyce.
9/2 Brendan Rodgers
Please dear lord no. Let me be perfectly clear. I have a number of portraits of myself and my ancestors. But I am a man of nobility. These are oil paintings paid for by the honest exploitation of the lower orders and massive expansion of the British Empire. So, not in any way like the horrific portrait Brendan Rodgers has in his own home. The very embodiment of un-self aware pomposity, this chap must never darken our door. “Arsenal lack class,” said he, when Suarez decided he could take no more motivational speeches and breakout sessions from football’s very own Mr. A. Partridge.
8/1 Jonathan Lowe
Known as ‘The Seventh Beatle’ due to his moptop haircut, this scouse manager has breathed new life into Tranmere Rovers since his arrival in 2013. He favours a highly-organised 4-2-3- 1, with the glove butler as ball-playing sweeper. This has two obvious drawbacks for Arsenal. Firstly we don’t really have any good glove butlers. Secondly, as this system allows the defenders to take more risks, we will concede more goals, as we don’t have very good centre-halves. And so on.
8/1 Maxwell ‘The Teeth’ Merry
Known chiefly for his gleaming and expensive gnashers, the coach of Aberdeen would certainly bring top quality dentistry to The Emirates. He won a Scottish League and Cup double in his first season. The chap’s not shy of wielding the axe; Andrew Pearl, Arthur Vittals and Charles Teather all moved on followed by Alfred McCoist and Paul Poggles. Could be the new broom we need.
One hopes that a successor has been identified and will be announced within the very near future, although not before sufficient plaudits and tributes have been given to this singularly wonderful and eccentric manager who has given us so much.