Think upon the efforts of perhaps the greatest climber that has ever lived, Mr. Reinhold Messner. This chap was the first to conquer all 14 of our peaks of 26,000 feet or more – Everest, K2, Kangchenjunga, Lhotse, Makalu, Cho Oyu, Dhaulagiri I, Manaslu, Nanga Parbat, Annapurna I, Gasherbrum I, Broad Peak, Gasherbrum II and Shishapangma.
He has twice scaled Everest without bottled oxygen, once solo, a feat accomplished in a mere four days. He ascended the northeast face of the Agnér in the Dolomites, the Heiligkreuzkofel middle pillar and the direct south face of the Marmolada. And yet the greatest and most hideous peak in the world remains untouched by even Reinhold Messner’s climbing boots. That peak is known as Kane’s Zit.
This ugly and untamed mountain, spotted recently in the Harry’s Forehead range, is thought to be over 29,000 feet. As we speak, rival climbing teams are assembling for the honour of scaling this forbidding massif. We await news from the summit as we did of the successful 1953 British Mount Everest expedition. We pray god is with them, for this is unchartered territory.
Sadly Reinhold Messner is in his seventies, so he will not have the physical condition to scale this most arduous of peaks.
News reaches Gentleman Towers of the goalscoring feat of Mr. Rooney, who has now scored 50 goals for England. He punished the mighty San Marino, that team of clothes shop managers, ceramicists and students, for his 49th international goal, appropriately and poetically a penalty against Simoncini, who is an accountant. This goal brings Rooney’s tally against San Marino to FIVE, or ten percent of his total. Number 50 tumbled against the Swiss on Tuesday. I never really trust the Swiss, chiefly because of their stance in the Second World War. It was freedom against fascism, you bloody varlets. Pick a side! Anyway. Congratulations to Mr. Rooney. A striker feared by world luminaries as Belarus and Kazakhstan.
I for one welcome the return of Proper Football with the visit of our old friends from the Britannia. I have obtained a copy of a very interesting letter from Stoke City to their fans which is displayed below.