6.01am: Wake. Feel groggy. That last glass of wine immediately deemed unnecessary.
6.01 – 6.11am: Lie there as long as possible, delaying the inevitable.
6.12am: Get up, get slurped by large German Shepherd. Eventually make it to bathroom
6.14am: Make coffee. Declare to Mrs Blogs that this will be an abstemious week. Wonder where the Ibuprofen is.
6.20am: Go upstairs to office. Turn computer on. Check email. Someone from China has been in touch, what a time to be alive.
We are manufacturers of artificial grass, interlocking grass mat, interlocking grass tile, interlocking wood tile in China. We can supply lowest price to you! We are always ready to support you!”
6.21am: Wonder if their offer of support includes a) writing a blog and b) finding the Ibuprofen. Then wonder about getting my office kitted out with Astroturf. That would be pretty cool.
6.22am: Avoid True Detective spoilers on Twitter as the search begins for Arsenal news. I can wait until later to see Codin Faddle’s mighty ‘tache do its stuff.
6.23am: Get sidetracked into the timeline of an American comedian who is arguing with people about everything.
6.30am: Check NewsNow. Consider weeping softly at fact that despite having blocked over 300 sites via their very handy filters, a monumental amount of shite still appears.
6.31am: See headline in which Lionel Messi claims he ‘wanted to die’ after David Ospina’s wonderful save in the Copa America.
6.32am: Reconsider my estimation of Messi. Still a fabulous player, no question, but obviously a complete drama queen. Await further headlines: ‘Messi: I wanted to die when my toast was slightly too toasted’ or ‘Messi: I thought about ending it all when I bought a new t-shirt and the labels inside were all scratchy and that’.
6.35am: Check Reddit. It’s like Vidalapalooza. It’s on. It’s off. It’s true. It’s false. There are more sources than the Heinz factory. Fake Twitter accounts, hearsay, rumour, reports from foreign press, bids, it’s all in there if you want it. Drive yourself mad why don’t you.
6.37am: Find possibly the best comment of all time in one of Vidal threads:
6.38 – 6.49am: Read some news from the real world. The real world seems depressing, scary and overwhelmingly sad. Decide to plunge back into the world of Arsenal.
6.50am: Remember there’s no Arsenal news. Sigh.
6.51am: Stumble across video of notorious cannibal Shia LeBeouf ‘freestyle rapping’. It is depressing, scary and overwhelmingly sad. Wonder why his father, former Chelsea defender Frank, has allowed his offspring to grow up without any guidance or parental influence whatsoever. Typical Chelsea.
6.53am: Play around with Arturo Vidal anagrams. ‘Virtual Road’, ‘A rival Tudor’, and ‘Oval air turd’ prove vaguely, but not particularly, amusing.
7.01am: Remember that James and I have to record an Arsecast Extra later. Feel a bit bad when I think – just for a moment, honestly – ‘If he’s broken another part of his body that would give us something to talk about for a while’.
7.03am: Wonder, in the interests of our art, if James might actually break something on purpose, like the goalkeeper in Escape to Victory so Sylvester Stallone can play in nets.
7.04 – 7.15am: Search for the scene in the movie where the arm is broken, can’t find it anywhere. However, discover that if Arsene Wenger ever leaves, Michael Caine is the obvious replacement. ‘Let the ball do the running for you’. Genius tactician, and no mistake.
7.16am: Refresh NewsNow. Sigh.
7.17am: Watch the Stallone save from Escape to Victory, then notice his victory dance and how crap the kick is right at the end.
7.18 – 7.24am: Just be.
7.25am: Start to think about breakfast. Then lunch. And dinner. Then that time we called that lad in school ‘Bottler’ for years because someone started a story about him having a wank in the bath using a shampoo bottle and his mickey got stuck in it. Wonder what he’s doing now.
7.26am: LinkedIn tells me he’s a structural engineer in Canada. Glad to see he’s turned his life around.
7.27am: Worry a little that my mind went so easily from what I might have for dinner to somebody’s lad being stuck in a shampoo bottle.
7.28am: Figure there are more important things to worry about. Like what if I ever met Shia LeBeoeuf and he started ‘freestyle rapping’ and it was one of those really awkward situations where you can’t leave and you have to stand there and pretend to enjoy what he’s doing.
7.30am: A quick Google search reveals that nobody is offering LeBeouf protection plans as part of their home security services. Perhaps a new business idea. Write it down for later.
7.32am: Come to the conclusion that not much is going to happen for the rest of the morning. Check Arseblog News ‘drafts’ for the Petr Cech confirmation story. Hope that it won’t sit there as long as the Higuain confirmation story.
7.34am: Send email to James offering him £50 to stab himself in the leg with a compass.
7.35am: Send follow up email to remind him that if he’s open to that, to sterilise the compass first because I would feel bad if his leg got all infected and swollen and stuff.
7.36am: Conclude that listener questions and topics in today’s Arsecast Extra will be of even greater importance than usual. Hope that people send good stuff to @gunnerblog and @arseblog using hashtag #arsecastextra
7.37am: Definitely need to eat something. Slice of toast, more coffee, will do.
7.38am: Put finishing touches to blog, would be weird for it to just