CUT TO:

Whatever you might say about the good Dublin pubs, but there’s no doubt the best Guinness in the world can be found in Dingle.

Having taken a pint in quite a few establishments this week, it’s a stone-cold fact that it’s better down here than at home. I don’t know why this is. It’s creamier, tastier, nicier, the whole lot. It’s enough to make a man consider his place in the world, let me tell you.

It’s quiet again today, nothing to report, so here’s another snippet from screenplay. It doesn’t have a title yet. I was thinking something like ‘Add New Post’, but we shall see.

FADE IN:

Camera pans across a football club training ground car park. There are a multitude of high end cars. Ferraris, Porsches, Lamborghinis, Mercedes and gigantic drug kingpin from The Wire blacked out jeeps.

In the space marked ‘manager’ is a battered Prius. On the side somebody appears to have scratched in ‘Twat Wanker’ with a penknife and the door handle is covered in what we hope is just saliva.

CUT TO:

INT. MANAGER’S OFFICE. DAY.

Jim Collins and his assistant, OVERKAMP884566537, are working hard over a laptop.

JIM

Right, I don’t think there’s any way they can reject this.

OVERKAMP884566537

The transfer market is a tough beast but you’re spot on not to throw in the trowel. You know my motto. ‘Spend some flippin money’, the fans will love it.

JIM

Ok, here we go. Just let me go over the bid now. £8.5m up front; £3.5m after 40 league games; £2.5m after 10  internationals; a £25,000 appearance fee; £105,000 per week over 4 years; £40,000 for every goal he scores; 50% sell-on fee + a friendly against them; and a signing on fee of £3.5m.

OVERKAMP884566537

How could they turn that down?

JIM

This will really show our intent in the market. It might make some of them in the dressing room a bit uncomfortable, but competition for places is crucial and we definitely need more fire power up front in the striker positions in front of goal.

KNOCK KNOCK

They look up. It’s one of the players, speedy England international Leo Philpott. He is a clean cut marketeers dream with Action Man hair.

LEO

Hey boss, can I have a word.

JIM

Sure, come on in.

LEO

I just wanted to let you know, you know, that not all the players think you’re ... well ... you know ... a dick. You know, we’re here to work hard whoever the boss is and I feel like I’ve already, you know, improved under you and if, you know, I continue my hard work I feel like I can play better for myself, you know, and have my best season ever.

JIM

I’m glad to have you on board, Leo. I’ve got big plans for you.

LEO

That’s great, because I’ve, you know, set myself targets and I’m all about reaching those targets and hopefully, you know, I can push on from there and score more goals, you know. For myself. Me. I. I LEO.

The laptop chimes. Jim looks down.

JIM

YES!

He turns to OVERKAMP884566537.

JIM (CO’TD)

They accepted. Just the Is to be dotted and the Ts to be crossed now. Leo, you can tell your doubting Thomas teammates that we’ve just made our first signing and that it’s going to blow their think they know best socks off!

He attempts to high-five Leo but Leo swipes his hand straight out for a goal kick.

CUT TO:

INT. THE CLUB. EVENING.

Jim is storming down a corridor with OVERKAMP884566537. He is furious. Palpitating with rage. He is this close to writing a scathing blog post to let the world know how he feels.

JIM

How DARE they! This board. Just out to line their own pockets. That’s all it’s ever been about with them. We’ve got £70m lying around under the mattress, and they’re piffling about over this?

OVERKAMP884566537

It’s bullshit, mate.

JIM

How am I expected to make this club great again if they won’t back me in the transfer market?

OVERKAMP884566537

Yeah. It’s all right for them in the Director’s Box with their fwar-grar and Don Perrymon but when we try to spend a bit of money they’re just scared we might take away from their cosy cartel of luxury and that.

JIM

Right, I’m going in. And I’m going to give him what for. You watch.

Jim reaches the door of the Chairman, Ira Hill-Cartwright-Spennyforth III, a slick, capable man who invented the whole concept of pop-up advertising on the Internet and is now in his second career as a football executive.

He knocks and enters.

IRA

Jim, thanks so much for coming to see me.

JIM

(still furious) Look, what the %£$*! is going here? We’ve scouted this player and all of our people tell us he’d be a good signing. The bid is there. They’ve accepted. We want the player, but you’ve poked your nose in and nixed the deal because you feel it doesn’t represent value for money. Isn’t this why people wanted to get rid of the last manager? His spendthrift, penny pinching ways have destroyed this once great club which only finished 3rd last season.

IRA

Jim, Jim. We have faith in you but you have to remember you’re still quite inexperienced and the board need you to take things a bit slowly.

JIM

But-

IRA

We have the utmost faith in you and your ability to take this team forward. We believe you’re the best man for the job and there are substantial funds available to you to improve the team.

JIM

So what about-

IRA

We’re enormously ambitious. Why do you think we appointed you? Why am I talking to you now? You’ve got a brilliant, analytical mind. We saw that from your blog posts, and from the way you engaged with the people who commented on your blog. If you can deal with the angriest, stupidest people on the planet, you should be able to take this in your stride, right?

Ira is snake-charmingly brilliant. Jim is like a cobra in a trance.

JIM

Right. Yeah. Of course.

IRA

As for this deal, look, we just felt a total package of over £40,000,000 for Bosko Balaban wasn’t the best way we could use our money.

JIM

But, plan B ... Presence up front ...

IRA

You can do better than that, Jim. You know you can. Now, off you go and let’s see what else you come up.

JIM

You’re right. About everything. And I can do better.

IRA

Good lad. And remember, I’m on your side. We all want the same thing. Maybe one night when things calm down we can crack open a few oysters together.

Ira puts his hand on Jim’s back and guides him out of the office.

CUT TO:

INT. CORRIDOR. EVENING.

Jim has just left Ira’s office. He is smiling. The board are no longer the enemy. He’s mates with the Chairman now. Suddenly, he looks confused.

JIM

Wait a minute, how the HELL did that happen?

FADE TO BLACK

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