Tuesday, October 4, 2022

Killer footballs! And how to get Theo to sign his new deal

Good morning to you, and I offer you this festive *boilk*

I have found that after a couple of pints my dreams become more insane. This morning I was dozing and in my dream I was in therapy because I supported Arsenal and this was seen as some form of illness. You may choose to insert your own witty comment here. I was just glad that therapist wasn’t also an analyst who had decided to combine their professions. Perhaps with an office in Funke Town.

Anyway, there’s not much going this morning what with it being Christmas Eve and that. Thankfully Robin van Persie wasn’t killed overnight by slightly polluted air or a sheet of glass falling off the back of a truck and beheading him like in the Omen or the Omen II, I can’t remember which one. It was Omen II that had the bloke chopped in half by the elevator though. I know this because as the proud owners of a Betamax video recorder when we were young (ask your folks about video kids, and vinyl, and ‘outside’) the only two films we had (recorded off the telly) were Jaws and Omen II.

So me and the Mugsmasher watched them a lot. I used to know Jaws off by heart, especially the bit when Richard Dreyfuss goes, “Ha, ha – they’re all gonna die.” Who knew the threat of footballs was so prevalent back in those days too? I’m off point here though, which is to say that I ought to find a point first. Oh yeah, death by football. Terrorist organisations the world over are adding that to their list of really nasty ways to kill people. And how amusing is that Ferguson says a football being kicked is the most dangerous thing he’s seen on a football pitch – he usually calls up players who behave like monsters and offers to cuddle them (thanks, m).

In terms of Arsenal, Jack Wilshere has been telling Theo Walcott to shut the hell up and sign his damn contract:

Everybody at the club wants Theo to re-sign. I’m always winding him up, saying ‘C’mon Theo, sign’. But that is something he has got to sort out. It is up to him and the club to reach an agreement and I hope they do.

Theo’s been great for us and he knows what he means to us and the fans. Five of us British boys have just signed so hopefully he can be the sixth and cap it off.

At this point I think those 5 Brit boys should take Theo to a warehouse, Reservoir Dogs style, and do Chinese burns and wedgies on him until he gives in. It’s clear that Arsenal have had no success in persuading Walcott his future lies at the club, so it’s obvious to me that the only thing left to try is schoolyard tactics. Like if Theo is standing on the training ground, Jenkinson kneels down behind him and Ramsey pushes him over. Keep doing this in ever more dangerous locations – like on the platform in a tube station – until he signs.

Or, write ‘Theo loves X’ where X is the name of a girl who Theo doesn’t like, all over the walls and on the blackboard. The embarrassment will do the work for them. A steel edged ruler provides the perfect tool for the ‘rasher’, and there are only so many rashers a person can take before they’ll do anything they can to stop. And if all that fails then earlobe flicking is tool of last resort which nobody can withstand for long. He’ll sign the damn ‘ting’ then. Juvenile? Yes. Effective, undoubtedly. It may require Theo to see an analyst/therapist at some point in the future but that’s not something we should worry about right now.

Finally, as requested, here’s the Gooner Night before Christmas, from last Friday’s Arsecast.

So, bearing in mind there’s nothing going on, I’m going to leave it there for today. Back tomorrow with the usual Christmas message from the disembodied head of some former player, but whatever you’re doing today do it well and safely.

Have fun.

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