Exclusive: Barcelona loan deal going down today

It’s true. It’s massive news.

I’m going on loan to Barcelona for the next 10 days. I’ve done a deal with the city whereby I’ll drink their beer, eat their food, swim in their sea and walk around the place in flip-flops until it’s time to return home. This is me and Mrs Blogs’ first holiday for five years so we’re kinda looking forward to it.

And it probably couldn’t come at a better time as there is litle or nothing going on in terms of Arsenal news. Speculation over Robin and his contract is tiresome and tedious. Will he? Won’t he? Well, I can exclusively reveal the whole thing is 50-50. He either will or he won’t. And whatever happens life will go on. Sure, it’s easy for me to be sanguine when I’m heading away to spend 10 days in the heat, eating tortilla sandwiches for breakfast, but there’s not much more to it than that.

Knickers are being twisted over Chelsea and their signings. As I said the other day regarding that Belgian tart who announced he’s signing for them, I couldn’t give a fish’s tit about what any other club does. And if they want to sign Hulk then go for it, I say, and I don’t care. For various reasons.

1 – He’s not the real Hulk and his real name is probably Cuthbert Hilario da PoncĂ© da Silva

2 – He’s not even Green

3 – He hasn’t been over-exposed to gamma radiation

4 – Nothing happens when he gets angry

5 – When he misses a chance and walks away they won’t play the saddest music in the world

6 – He can’t be anywhere near as good as Drogba was so in essence they’re weaker regardless of who they sign

7 – I have it on good authority we’re signing the Silver Surfer and he was fuckin’ cool

Once we don’t play any games beyond the invisible barrier that keeps the surfer in our world then we’ll be A-OK and his sleek hairlessness will simply add to his pace. He’s all aerodynamic and shit. Shawcross couldn’t get near him even if he tried.

There will be some Arsenal interest when the European championships start, of course, with various players involved for their countries. We’ll be able to tell much from their performances. Robin van Persie’s body language will tell us he’s off to Man City, Nicklas Bendtner will be photographed coming out of Polish nightclub with his pants on his head after his drinks were spiked with alcohol (“I just ordered a pint of Jaegermeister, I have no idea what happened”), Tomas Rosicky will score four screamers for the Czech Republic while Theo Walcott will use every interview to promote his new book ‘Little Timmy gets a new job’ – a dark take on the classic footballer having to renew his contract story told through the eyes of a little boy called Timmy who has Action Man hair and who can run really, really fast. It will sell three copies.

And that’s not even mentioning The Ox who will single-handedly win the entire tournament for England and bring about the knighting of Sir Roy Hodgson. I remember being on holidays in Barcelona during the Euros in 2000. I got really badly sunburned and spent a night hallucinating. It’s not pleasant to do that, I have to tell you. Nor is being freezing cold in 28C heat, but it is good to go to bars and drink beer and watch the football. Mrs Blogs loves that. Honestly.

Today, there’s very little happening. Sao Paulo want to hold onto Denilson for another couple of weeks because of some play-off thing they’re involved in. I say keep him as long as you want, fellas. In fact, hang on to him forever. Go on, our treat. And we’ll throw this Chamakh in too in case you need some spare parts. Not convinced? How about this shiny Squillaci? Eh? Eh?! Thought that might do it all right. I’ll just pack them in this large box. Must remember to make some air holes. Must remember.

Check out Tim Stillman’s latest column in which he touches on Stewart Robson. Not that kind of touching.

And that’s really about it. For those of you worried about change, and it is always weird and scary, things will continue as normal around these parts. There’ll be news when Andrew and co have it over on Arseblog News and here I’ll leave you in the capable hands of Arseblog Tom who has the pleasure, the privilege I say, of guiding you through the days when there’s absolutely nothing happening. I am looking forward to waking up every morning and reading Arseblog, then having a deliciously cold Estrella for breakfast. And then a tortilla sandwich.

So, for now, have yourselves a quiet, relaxed transfer window. Remember, it’s still May only just June. There’s a long summer ahead and we’ve got plenty of time to do nothing and sign nobody. I’ll be thinking of you. Wish you were here, and all that.

Adios amigos!


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