Wednesday, October 5, 2022

Necessity and all that

It’s gonna be a short one today, I can guarantee you that. There’s so little going on it could well be one of those where you might do something to fill the gap. Like, take an extract from the blog on this day in a year gone by. Like this from 2008:

So here we are Arsechums. We’re now officially in the lull. The international lull. I shall christen it the Interlull.

Oh, erm. Or this from 2003:

The YACCS man managed to get the ‘arses’ fixed for about 4 and a half minutes last night, then his server went Perry again and it’s unlikely to be back for at least 5 days. Now, I couldn’t leave you good people arseless, so I did what any good blogger would, I got someone to invent something to replace them. You can thank Tom for his tireless and slightly bloodshot eyed efforts.

To go to the new arses, click here and then on the arses link. It’s a little bit more work than usual, but it’s better than a slap in the belly with a wet fish.

So it turns out Sept 4th is quite the momentus day in Arseblog history. The invention of the Interlull and the Arses, 5 years apart, on this very day. It is interesting in as much as it has filled some space but now I have to admit I feel a tremendous pressure to invent something today to carry on the tradition. And I’m not feeling very inventy this morning.

I’ve been sitting here for some time now and the best I can come up with is a mechanical bison which you can hide inside if you’re under 18 and use to get inside nightclubs which are strict on ID. Doormen simply never question bisons about their age, it’s one of the unwritten rules of the bouncer code. Once inside the club you can leap out and get smashed on three bottles of WKD then get sick down your front. See, not very inventy at all and pretty much useless for those of us over 18 who don’t go to nightclubs anyway.

Anyway, don’t the best inventions come to you when you’re not trying to invent things? Maybe I should stop thinking about inventing something and let inspiration come naturally. An organic process which is sure to increase the quality and usefulness of whatever it is I come up with. Right, let’s look what’s happening with Arsenal.

It’s not very good, sadly. The Sunday Mirror is suggesting Jack Wilshere could be out for three months due to his ankle injury which is an achilles problem and one which looks like it’s going a bit Vermaelen. Not good news at all, if true, and another reason why it was so important we bought a couple of midfielders before the window closed. All we can do is hope for the best and that the medical team are practising their ancient incantations while stocking up on gigantic bottles of homeopathic medicine (which should distract them long enough for us to get Jack to a real doctor).

Meanwhile, next Arsenal manager Jens Lehmann says Per Mertesacker will be a big hit at the club. Not just a tall hit. A big hit. He says:

He will be a great support for Arsenal. It was a very good decision to sign him – good for Arsenal and for Per. The club will benefit from having him because he brings more quality to their defensive line-up.

There is no doubt in my mind that he will be a huge success for ­Arsenal.

Jens knows. In Jens we trust. And so forth. And let’s face it, he knows Mertesacker well having played alongside him in the national team many, many times. He’ll know his strengths and weaknessess, he knows the English game and whether nor the Mert will be able to adapt properly to what is certainly a different game than the Bundesli …

An e-book reader with a built in printer which allows you to download digital books then print them out to read like you’ve always done before! Shit, not very good. Or portable. Or environmentally friendly. Especially considering I would insist that the ink for the printer be made from the scorched bones of endagered species and Water Sheringhams, ground up with fossil fuels dug up by huge machines which belch toxic fumes into the atmosphere and pollute nearby water sources.

I think I might give this inventing thing a miss for today. I’ve got a whole year until the next September 4th to come up with something better. Still, whoever invented the pig I salute you, for I am about to baconise my life.

Have a good Sunday.

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