Football talk as Usmanov channels Kang and Kodos

Good morning all and a special good morning to those fans of FC Barcelona who took the time to write to me yesterday. Your impassioned defence of the club you love has brought about a complete change of mind on my part. Perhaps it was the scathing language you used or the irrefutable evidence that it is, in fact, Arsenal that are the baddies that helped me see the error of my ways but – pfff, fuck it. You’re still cunts.

Tonight sees the last of the internationals and then we can get back to real football again. Arsene Wenger is anxious to get his players back. At the moment the training sessions consist of Arsene, Almunia, Alex Song having a Battleships© tournament which Arsene is winning quite convincingly due to poor placement and tactical awareness on behalf of the others.

“You sunk my battleship!”, exclaims Alex Song.

“That’s because you put it in the same place each time.”

In terms of injuries there may be a doubt over William Gallas who reportedly pulled out of training on Monday with a groin problem. This would not be good news as Philippe Senderos is also injured, although we’ve yet to receive confirmation of that. Another worry is Tomas Rosicknote who has a muscle coordination problem according to the Czech national team doctor. He’s been critical of the Arsenal medical team but I’m not quite sure how it’s their fault that Tomas’s hamstrings tear like cheap paper. He then goes on to say Rosicky needs to do exercises on his own so again I’m a bit stumped to see how it’s Arsenal’s fault. We’ve tried all kinds to fix him up, including operations on his wisdom teeth, so I think we might just have to accept the fact he’s brittle and he’s not someone you can rely on to be fit most of the time, which is a real shame.

Again let’s keep fingers crossed that the lads who are fit and who are going to play tonight come through unscathed.

Armand Traore says he’s happy to stay and improve at Arsenal rather than going out on loan while Alex Song is rumoured to be in Charlton’s sights, for a loan move at least. Gunnerblog makes an interesting point about how young players who go out on loan often make permanent moves away from the club.

With Arsenal’s AGM tomorrow Fat & Orange have backed down somewhat by releasing a statement which reiterates their position as ‘long term investors’ in the club. They say:

Red and White intends to vote in favour of all the resolutions at the upcoming AGM. It also supports the board’s policy of reinvesting the surplus cash flow into the club and not paying dividends.

Quite a turnaround as it was just a few short days ago when Usmanov was talking about being paid dividends. You might remember how people felt he had a bit of a cheek expecting to receive dividends when the directors who actually work for the benefit of the club do not receive them. A perfect 180 turn there gets 9.5, 9.5 and 9 from the judges. Marks were lost for being a big fat cunt who nobody wants to see in a tight fitting ice-skating suit.

To be honest it’s hilarious to see him flip-flop time and again. It reminds me of that scene in the Simpsons where the two aliens come down and take the place of the Presidential candidates.

“Abortions for all”, says one to boos from the crowd.

“No abortions for anyone”, says the other who also gets booed.

“Abortions for some, mini American flags for the rest”, and then the crowd cheer. Watch Usmanov and F&O break out their mini-American flags (metaphorically speaking) sometimes soon.

The bottom line is that no businessman is going to invest in something which provides him with no return. Usmanov has paid way over the market value for the shares in order to coerce people into selling. The only way to make his money back is to then sell the shares at a higher price, hard to do when you’ve inflated the market beyond the reach of anyone else, or increase your stake and takeover the club which allows you to do what you want e.g claim dividends, increase ticket prices etc etc. ‘Long term investor’ talk is fooling nobody. I suppose the only positive Usmanov can take is that in the long history of Arsenal he has, in just a few weeks, become the most unpopular person ever to be associated with the club. Quite an achievement.

The AGM is tomorrow, Arseblog will have a report. And that’s your lot. I’m off to weep softly in the corner at the names the Barcelona fans have been calling me. I’m so terribly, terribly upset by it all.