May

31

Congrats - Sol + Yaya = 10%

Filed Under The Arsenal | 602 arses

Some congratulations to begin with. Well done to Theo Walcott for becoming England’s youngest ever senior player aged 17 years and 75 days. He came on during England’s 3-1 win over Hungary last night. Speaking of which that ‘rock the cradle’ celebration should be outlawed though. Oh, one of your girlfriends has had a baby. Who fucking cares? Crouch’s robot was quite amusing though. That should be made compulsory.

Also congrats to Philippe Senderos for being named Swiss player of the year. He gets a cheese with some holes in it and his very own Swiss bank account.

Some terribly sad news yesterday in that Newcastle manager Glenn Roeder has ruled out a move for Sol Campbell. I am genuinely gutted.

Gunnerblog reports on reports in Greece that we’ve made a €15m bid for Yaya Toure. Whilst a lot of people cream themselves over having another Kolo in the team he’s never really impressed me when I’ve seen him and although his big brother says Yaya is the better footballer he seems to lack the dedication and commitment which makes Kolo such a favourite. Anything over €5m is too expensive for me and even then I’m not sure he’s the player we need. We need to add steel to the midfield so if there was a Slasher Toure or a Hatchet Toure I’d be much happier with one of them instead of a Yaya.

Not much else happening. Just time to tell you about a promotion between Arseblog and Toffs shirts which gives you 10% off the price of any Toffs shirt between now and August. Toffs is run by a Arsenal fan as well and the shirts are well cool. My 71 cup final shirt with a big number 7 on the back is now my favourite Arsenal shirt. For more details check out this page.

Ok then chums, till tomorrow.

May

30

Second time lucky

Filed Under The Arsenal | 588 arses

Ah fucking crap. I do like this Wordpress system but it’s just eaten the whole of today’s post as I went to publish it. Stupid thing thinks it’s Sol Campbell and my post was an enormous pie filled with four and twenty blackbirds. And by blackbirds I mean roast chickens stuffed with fillet steak. Gah.

Anyway, let me try and recreate it. I mentioned the story about Real Madrid wanting Arsene Wenger as their new manager and then said it was pointless commenting on it because it was never going to happen. Which is true. There’s no chance. More likely is Fabio Capello who probably doesn’t fancy the task of bringing Juventus back up from Serie C1 when they get relegated.

Then there was Jens Lehmann telling his German friends about Theo Walcott. There was a witty aside about how the Germans know as much about his as Arsenal fans because we’ve never seen him play either but that might change with little Mickey Owen injured and Rooney’s metatarsal buckling under the immense weight above it. Maybe we’ll see Walcott get a decent run out tonight as England take on Hungary.

Thierry Henry was complaining about the French fans at the Stade de France while reports in Spain have linked us with Villarreal’s Spazilian midfielder Marco Senna. He’d be a good signing for us and would certainly strenghten the squad but whether or not Villarreal will let him go is another thing. They’ve just added Pires to a midfield with Riquelme and they are going to need a physical presence in there.

And that was it. Just as well there’s very little happening, eh?

May

29

Shevchenko is not joining Arsenal

Filed Under The Arsenal | 331 arses

Dear everyone,

thank you all for your many emails on the subject but I am sorry to say that Arsenal have not signed Andriy Shenchenko. It’s just that arsenal.con shares a player database with Sky Sports or something similar. A shame I know but there you go.

cheers

arseblogger

ps - There’s fuck all going on. Which is a bit of a pain in the arse. The only semi-Arsenal related story I can find is one about Jens Lehmann wanting to play in another final so he can exorcise the demons of Paris. He’s also delighted that Thierry is staying. He says:

I hope he will do very, very well at the World Cup, but not against us just in case we are playing against each other.

I could have let you read that yourself but I have to make it look like there’s something written here today. Not subtle but there you are. How was your weekend then? We need something to talk about in the arses (apart from how Andriy Shevchenko is joining Arsenal).

May

28

Sunday round-up

Filed Under The Arsenal | 198 arses

Good morning. A quick Sunday round-up for you.

The News of the World reports Arsenal have told a ‘high maintenance’ Sol Campbell that he’s played his last game for the club. No surprises there to be honest. If we were actively trying to sell him last summer before his histrionics there’s no doubt we’ll be trying even harder this time around. Campbell himself is always willing to play the wounded soldier and talks about 8 years of hurt. Right. Drama queen. The People suggests Fulham will make a bid.
Robert Pires says he knew it was time to leave Arsenal when he was substituted after Jens Lehmann’s sending off in the Champions League final. It’s not a ‘blast’ at Arsene Wenger just an intelligent guy explaining why he chose to go to Villarreal. He also talks about the chances of the French squad in the upcoming world cup.

Peter Beardsley says Theo Walcott is, along with Wayne Rooney, the best young player he’s ever seen.

The People says Patrick Vieira wants to return to Arsenal because Juventus might get relegated and he’s been keeping in the touch with Gilles Grimandi. Could he do an Ian Rush and come back after one season ‘abroad’? I doubt it although there’s no doubt we need a midfielder of his general stature and style. Manchester United are also said to be interested if Vieira does decide to come back to England.

And that’s about it. It has gone roasting over here now so I think today might be a day to get the Sunday papers then read them on the beach. I might even go topless!

Till tomorrow.

May

27

How it happened

Filed Under The Arsenal | 183 arses

“Mrs Blogs”, said I. “I have had a most frustrating afternoon trying to organise things which it appears can’t be organised. Let us go out to have a beer. Maybe two. But no more than that.”

“Tremendous idea.”

Text Italian ex-workmate: ‘Come for a beer’.

Italian arrives. Some beers were consumed. Italian leaves. We leave. Shawarma. Plaça George Orwell in Barcelona. Full of degenerates, smackheads and normal people. Some cunt has a megaphone. Is making it go ‘Bleeeeeeeeeeee’ by pushing some button. Am tempted to go over and shove megaphone up his arse.

Some bloke with no teeth takes it off him to announce to everyone that he’s off his head. Some normal girl takes it off. He pleads like a child - ‘But missus, it’s not mine’. He calls over the bloke who own the megaphone who punches him in the head. Johnny Toothless doesn’t even notice. Hilarious. We move on to trendy bar.

Text football mate: ‘Come for a beer’.

Football mate texts: ‘Splendid idea. See you shortly.’

Football mate arrives. Another football mate arrives. Beers and cocktails are consumed.

Everything starts to become a blur. Vaguely remember ‘When’s de next fuckin’ bus ta Gaaaaaalway’ when discussing teaching English. Get invite to trendy bar’s first anniversary party. More beers.

Things move from vaguely remembered to not remembered at all. 8.30am. Ouch. Neck two painkillers. Mrs Blogs starts talking about funny things that happened.

“Shut up, Mrs Blogs. Go back to sleep.”

She does. So do I. And now here I am.

You might have gathered there’s fuck all going on with the Arsenal.

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