ARSEBLOG News Review

If times were fast at Ridgemount High, then they're flying by at Highbury at the moment.

Players are coming, others are going and the Patrick Vieira story is like a black hole.

It's sucking everything in; the future of this team; the new ground; Arsene's future.

Fans are becoming hysterical .

But I'm not worried. Why?

Because I've known for some time that PV4 is a robot.

He actually died, away to Derby County, in 1997.

A Gary Rowett challenge ended Pat's life. Unseen by TV cameras, a stud broke free and hit him square on his Pineal gland.

Canny Gary Lewin managed to smuggle his body off the pitch.

Vieira's body was then taken to David Dein's secret lab in Holloway Road.

A MASSIVE operation began, in which all his organs were replaced with mechanical bits.

In place of his brain a ZX Spectrum was used, with specially programmed software.

The boffins decided to use a variation of the old platform game, Chuckie Egg, to be Pat's operating system.

They reckoned this would let him get up and down the pitch, and jump high for headers.

For a while this worked fine, but in the last few years malfunctions have started to appear.

PV4 has to go in for servicing once, sometimes twice a week.

None of the current players know that their captain is an automaton.

Of the few that have found out, they've been shipped out of the club pretty quickly.

Petit discovered the fact when he was rooming with Vieira at an away game.

He was shocked to find his midfield partner had unplugged the minibar and was drinking the coolant from the back of the fridge!

And he almost passed out when Paddy opened a slot on the back of his head and asked him to press ctrl+alt+delete!

When Emmanuel got his knee injury, he went to Arsene and demanded a bionic replacement like Vieira's.

But the boss had already seen problems with his robot stopper, and refused the request.

Now Arsenal are desperate to offload their digital skipper before he completely crashes.

In the last few games of the season Gary Lewin had to come on the pitch at least once each game to reboot him.

Madrid have no idea.

Take that, Perez, you gambas!